Author: Ashley Amundson, DBH MS LPCC

Whatever we were looking for as we journeyed through addiction, it certainly wasn’t mindfulness. You might even say we sought mindlessness.

We wanted to be “comfortably numb”, as the song goes. Fuller, deeper awareness of our own experience was the opposite of what we were after. 

Mindfulness does in fact walk in the other direction. Mindfulness digs towards embodied, grounded, integrated wakefulness. It creates a palpable body, inside of which we discover a spacious dimension. Mindfulness summons presence within us, a part able to tolerate all sensations, feelings, thoughts, and inner conflicts of the human condition.

A curiosity you may have noticed when playing with mindfulness: in an inner ambience of openness, acceptance, and stillness, a painful state of being sooner or later clears itself, dispelling all on its own. 

This is great news for those of us who like the idea of problems taking care of themselves without us having to do anything about it. If we can learn to provide compassionate witness to whatever is in us – that means a kind, loving, patience – we can learn for ourselves to eventually trust this natural process of consciousness taking care of its own needs. 

Simple, but not easy, like most good things!

If you’re like me, in the sense that you are influenced by the addict archetype, the idea of being more aware of what’s going on internally sounds at least a little bit threatening. The suggestion to experience what it’s like to be me more vividly…no thanks. I’m quite aware of what it’s like to be me, and it’s not that fun some days.

Mindfulness leads us towards ourselves, which is why those of us under the spell of addiction fear it, because we do not want to go towards ourselves. Ourselves is where the pain is, so we’re trying to get away from there. 

At the root of the problem of addiction, however, is the fact that avoidance of our inner sensations, no matter how justified, only makes it worse. Yes, our inner worlds are hellish sometimes. Yes, it is a natural reaction to pull our consciousness away from those hell realms to keep from fracturing. And yes, it all still needs to one day be witnessed mindfully. Because mindful loving witness heals. 

By avoidance, we turn the heap of problems that burdens us into a raging fire capable of true destruction. Because all inner soul signals suffer from the state of disconnection from love, when we withdraw our loving attention from our own inner signals, we are guaranteeing their exacerbation. 

And what’s within us is not an accident or an inconvenience. It’s not just the background hum of our life – it actually is our life. It’s us. If we’re in pain, that pain is us. All that we are yearning for is bound up in that pain. 

Mindfulness is what will take that pain and release it into a different kind of energy – aliveness, maybe even joy. Certainly, creativity and purpose. 

Ultimately, mindfulness will do for us what we tried to have happen through substances – help us tolerate what it’s like to be us. Help us transform. Reduce the volume, the intensity, & difficulty of that which we must face. Give us the power to experience our lives from a place of agency.  

Fortunately, there are many ways to be mindful. While we do need to be honest with ourselves about what mindfulness really is and what it is not, there are many paths in. We should walk in the ways that feel comfortable and most accessible to us, especially when first starting out. 

If you are able to access a kind self-witness through running, great. If a gentle flow state comes to you most easily when singing, painting, wandering in nature, great. Celebrate that. If you find peace in yoga or sit on a cushion, wonderful.

Self-validate if it is hard for you. Many of us have to spend years first building basic safety at the physiological level to be able to spend any time witnessing our own signals. 

That means learning to work with the nervous system to create and sustain sensations of safety, just being in your own skin and feeling ok. Experiment with calling upon the soothing powers of the parasympathetic nervous system, using practices like chanting and breath to help our biology work with us rather than against us. 

Above all, honor your own way. You are allowed to have a different experience than the others. Your mindfulness will be yours, as mine is mine. And the gifts you get from your mindfulness practice will be yours, too, truly yours. 

Of all the things addiction takes from the human spirit, most devastating of all is the loss of free will.

Handing ourselves over to the tyrannical rule of the addict within results in a soul-chilling condition: complete absence of personal power. 

No one has perfect control over themselves, and that’s ok. But in our intact state we normally have what is called “executive functioning”, which means that we can use our heads to decide what is best.  

Addiction takes away the executive function and rules us from the bottom up. Over time, we take on the form of a chaos of instincts rather than a coherent living organism with choice and meaning.  

The shame and guilt of having no self-control – being too gluttonous, too self-indulgent, going too far, wanting too much, not being able to say no – is a signature experience of the addict.

It is very debilitating not to be able to rely on one’s own will to make good choices. It’s embarrassing, at times humiliating, and it erodes self-respect. Not liking ourselves, we have even more of a reason to avoid ourselves through addiction.

But we can be released from excessive self-reproach through understanding that it’s not personal; addiction just is what it is. It’s an illness that targets willpower.

Treatment programs and recovery programs typically emphasize that to get anywhere in recovery, we must begin with recognizing the impairment of our will that has taken place without our realizing it. The addict within hides the facts of addiction from us, so that we did not see ourselves clearly. Even though no one likes to realize such a thing, there is a curious freedom on the other side of it. 

The silver lining of the loss of willpower is that we realize it no longer makes sense to blame and condemn ourselves. During the addiction we have to constantly struggle with ourselves – we fight, shame and blame ourselves, make up excuses, set intentions only to break them again. This is so dispiriting!

In recovery, we can set aside this whole dehumanizing pattern and recognize that like it or not, we have lost the executive ability of the brain to override our thoughts and impulses. 

In the state of surrender which recovery requires, we are arguably better off than if we had managed to keep our willpower intact. Recovery demands that something else other than the ego, something besides the “the little me” personality (Eckhart Tolle’s way of putting it) has to take charge here. 

The beauty of this is that the ego is really no fun, so in the end it’s a blessing to have it cracked away by recovery. The ego isn’t good or bad per se – what it is is an answer to pain, a collection of defenses and ways of separating ourselves from others psychologically so that we don’t have to constantly experience overwhelming feelings. It’s a patch, a band aid, a hack. It keeps us together for a while, but life under the ego is not the same thing as a fulfilling, joyful, meaningful, creative, or connected life.

The choice that addiction really takes from us is the option of living egoically only. What recovery shows us is that there is an alternative to living in the solitary confinement of ego – we can learn to rely on benevolent presence, higher forces, unity consciousness to help us navigate.  

Within an overall surrender to higher intelligence (which I believe is our own, and is found deep within us at the collective, unified level, as well as out there all around us), we can have preferences. We can collaborate. We can say “I vote we do this”. 

But it remains wise to say, “If that is in alignment with the best good of all” or to add on a quick “Your will, not mine”. 

There is still a part within me that does not want to yield control, nor admit she’s not really the best one to decide. That’s my ego, and just because I fired her from the executive role, it doesn’t mean I don’t have compassion. Of course she wants to be in charge. We all would like to have potency, agency and influence. I acknowledge it’s ok that she wants it. 

But I still choose to say, “I hear you, but let’s just run this up the flagpole first & see what Unity says.” I do that because I have found out the long, hard, un-fun way, what happens if I don’t. And I have found out the long, hard, un-fun way, the kind of pleasure, fulfillment, and lovely creative surprise that can happen if I do. 

It’s helpful on this rather demanding human journey to have a positive attitude, right? If you have a great outlook on life, you are more likely to have good experiences. 

To change our mindsets, it is recommended to try on the idea that what takes place around us as seemingly independent events, as well as our feelings about those events, are inseparably connected to our beliefs about ourselves and the world. 

The trouble is that most people with trauma are imprinted with the mindset that they do not have any power, not even the power to change their own mindsets. So this can be a tricky space for us.

I want to be very clear that I am not saying that bad things that happen to you are your fault. There is genuine victimization and abuse in this world. Harm and trespass is not our fault. 

Especially important is to recognize that terrible things happened to us when we were too young or otherwise disempowered to defend ourselves, and that these experiences left us with “bad mindsets”.

We can’t change what happened in the past. The area where we do have influence over our lives is when and where we may be re-creating our victimization now, through the ways that our deep beliefs shape our experiences.  

The most problematic mindsets tend to be variations on the following themes: 

-It’s all my fault (self-scapegoating)

-I deserve bad stuff to happen to me (turning on the self)

-Nothing I do makes any difference so it’s useless to try (helplessness)

-I have no value/I am bad (self-devaluation)

-I am abandoned/unloved/alone (isolation)

-the world is all bad/unsafe/scary (splitting)

-my experience is controlled by you/someone other than me (agency is located outside the self)

That is by no means a comprehensive list but if you recognize any of those themes, please understand that there is trauma at play, which is largely the case with those of us who have a harder time changing our mindsets, and consequently our experiences in the world, than others may seem to. 

Once you’ve identified what might be the core mindset, think about if you’re willing to change it, and if you are, go ahead and replace it. If you’re not really willing, work on becoming willing. (This is more often the case than we might think, because our core beliefs feel like they protect us.) 

Once you’re willing, the changing of the mindset is literally what it sounds like. Identify the mindset you want to have instead, and replace it, like a car battery. 

“Instead of believing that I am inherently bad, I will now uphold and empower the belief that I am inherently good.” 

Repeat it enough times, say it and write it and think it and act as if it’s true, and eventually it will become your own. Like breaking in a new pair of shoes.

Here are a few mindset changes I have found helpful, which you might like to adopt, too: 

1. The mother of all mindset changes: Mindsets can be changed.

Mindsets are changeable. Neuroplasticity is a thing. Trauma is healable. Humans can learn. We are resilient. It’s amazing what can change in a short time of doing things in a new way. 

2. The Me-to-us mindset change: This is a shared human experience.

Whatever I face is a universal human experience. I may feel alone, but I am actually one among many. I experience this along with many others. Together we will improve this. 

3. The Silver lining mindset change: Every experience has a positive aspect.

If I am finding it hard to change a mindset, perhaps I am not yet done with this mindset’s positive side. What is the hidden positive side of this mindset? Having this mindset allows me to feel…to do…to experience…OK, I accept why I am still holding onto this one.

4. The Fake it until You Make it Mindset change: Acting “as if” really works

It works to practice and try and fake it. All baby mammals learn this way, by pretending to do what their parents do. One day, you can do it for real. 

5. The Make-it-A-Habit Mindset: Easy Does Do It.

It is repetition, not strain, that turns a new behavior into second nature. To make something feel easy, turn it into a habit, by doing a little bit in an easy, almost effortless way, every day at the same time for at least 21 days. For example: you might write your new belief down 12 times, every day for 21 days, and see what happens.

Remember: you can do it, it can be done, and the whole world benefits from every tiny bit of progress you make. Thank you for your courage to change!

The most tragic thing about not taking depression seriously is when we don’t get to receive its gift. 

What depression presents us with is deep and beautiful – the great boon of being redirected away from all that’s wrong for us, back towards our Selves. 

I’m talking about our truest, biggest, deepest, most satisfying Selves. What’s real within us is a treasure; depression is what it feels like when we’re out of touch with that. 

Harm happens to us gradually or quickly when we don’t listen to depression. In extreme cases, we hurt ourselves. Sometimes we succeed at finally destroying ourselves once and for all. 

So if we’re feeling down, it’s important not to brush it off. If we brush it off too long, it will do damage to our core.

If you are depressed, there’s not necessarily anything wrong with you. Depression is feedback from your true nature. Something in you is saying no to something about your life. Depression is a big, huge, sacred no. 

The gift comes when you ask yourself, if this is my psyche saying no, what would I say yes to? 

Depression will say nope to everything but your true life. Depression says: “I want to live my real life, and I recognize that this is not it. Let me go find my true purpose and live it.”

Here are three ways of thinking about depression which may feel helpful for opening up the gift, if it’s knocking at your door these days.

1. Depression is about death – and rebirth!

Depression is death energy. This can mean a lot of things, but definitely something within you is dying to make way for the new. If we are not behaving supportively for this transformation, if we are resisting or clinging to old ways of being, depression can get quite fierce as it tries to get our acknowledgement of its truth.

Remembering that depression is a sacred nope, ask yourself: What am I saying no to? What needs to die within me? What is coming to an end? Is there a part within me who doesn’t want to live the way I live now? Why doesn’t she? Is there anything I could do, some change I could make, that would make her feel excited to live? 

The answer might surprise you, and give you valuable clues about what you’re really here to do. Your depression is a part within you who knows you are in your nature, as well as what your real mission and purpose is here. 

2. Depression is about anger

As the adage goes, depression is anger turned inwards. If you are depressed, you are angry about something, but that anger has collapsed inwards, and does not have the sense of possibility and power normally connected to anger. 

Anger goes inwards when we do not approve of our own anger. If we cannot side with ourselves, and we tell ourselves we are wrong for being mad, it can easily turn into a black depression. 

From the starting place of depression, conscious, vivid, lively anger on our own behalf is a healthy destination. This anger is not for acting out towards others, but for our own learning about who and what we are in our deepest nature.

So see if you can find out what you may be mad about & validate your right to be angry about it. 

The information you want to get from yourself is: which of my vitally important boundaries have been crossed? Which of my universal human needs are not being met?

The information you get in this way helps you to see who you are and what you need to be yourself more fully in this world.

3. Depression is a call to go inwards: let yourself do that.

Finally, give yourself the darkness you need. Depression asks you to stop focusing energy towards the bright, noisy externals of your life, and to pull inwards.

You may like to treat a depressed period like a psychological flu: something that needs stillness, rest, quiet time and solitude. 

Turn and face the darkness that is already within you, see what treasures are there when your eyes adjust. Don’t push yourself to be on the surface of life when you are being called to go underground.

~~

The gift in the end is this: if you are living your life “wrong”, you will feel it as depression. If you are living your life “right” (according to you and you only!) you will feel it as joy, energy, purpose and alignment. 

It’s that simple. Depression, as awful as it feels, is the best friend ever. A friend that tells us the truth, about how small we are living compared to our true, magnificent size. May we all learn to respect depression’s voice.

Therapy is the multitool of healing. With various shapes and applications, there’s a suitable fit for everyone, but finding the right fit for you and figuring out how to get the most out of therapy can be entirely different processes. 

Maybe it’s your first time, and you’re feeling overwhelmed, or you’re just starting back, and the thought of establishing such a relationship again feels overwhelming to you. Or maybe the expanse of possibility- and your role in it- is the very thing holding you back from beginning at all. 

There are many things you can do to contribute to the benefit of your therapeutic experiences. The most crucial part is that you’re here and you’re willing, but we want to help you build on the knowledge you can bring into the therapeutic relationship to ensure you leave feeling as empowered as possible. From session to session to the overarching tone of your healing journey, you deserve to feel prepared. 

So, how can you get the most out of therapy? 

Be accountable 

Taking responsibility for your actions as well as your attitudes and emotions is a valuable part of the therapeutic process. Accountability is the process of recognizing the gravity of your consciousness in the way you exist in the world, even when that gravity feels uncomfortable. This may mean accepting fault for wrongdoing or bearing the knowledge that the way you engage with those around you altered the situation you encountered in a way that wasn’t ideal. 

It’s not all hard revelations, though. Accountability also means accepting the positive consequences of your presence or actions. Being accountable for the knowledge you bring or the value of your impact on situations that grew or expanded because you were a part of them can help you identify strengths and develop those skills to be a more comprehensive part of your worldview. 

Embracing accountability as a required part of your healing will help you to help yourself by seeing the places you could respond to old feelings or experiences in new ways. In turn, this will create the space for your therapist to help you build your skillset at recognizing those opportunities for growth and the tools to unlock new potential for your compassionate accountability to serve you positively. 

Embrace curiosity 

An element of the curious lingers in the unfamiliar. Often, we grow to recognize this with resistance or suspicion. Some of us may experience new things with an edge of defensiveness. Embracing the unfamiliar in all its formats can help you expand your holistic perspective beyond your most hopeful daydreams by embracing the possibility hidden in the mundane. 

 

What if I am bad at this?	⟶	What if this is a hidden strength?
What if my plans go wrong?	⟶	What if my plans go right?
What if it’s painful?	⟶	What if it’s liberating?
What if no one likes me?	⟶	What if I find space to belong?

If you’ve ever experienced anxiety, you’re familiar with the power of the “what if?’. By inviting curiosity into your therapeutic spaces, you can re-shape the impact of “what if?” by offering it a connotation of wonder. Curiosity can be a powerful way to engage your imagination as an active part of reshaping your reality when you allow yourself to flourish in the safety of therapy, guided by an expert who is there to support you through the experiences you have. 

Speak up 

You are your most powerful ally. Using your voice to communicate clearly and concisely about what you need and how you feel is an important tool you can use to guide your therapeutic experience. If you know what you want from therapy or have specific goals, share them. Suppose there’s something that’s not working or you think could be going better. In that case, it’s okay to initiate a conversation about re-evaluating those elements to ensure they’re an ideal fit for where you are today. Maybe the space you occupy on your recovery journey has changed, or the emotions you’re experiencing have been impacted by something you couldn’t have anticipated. 

No matter what it is that’s weighing on you, good or bad, you are a powerful advocate for your needs. Through therapy, you’ll learn how to use it, and here is the best place to exercise its power to ensure you are getting the most beneficial support possible. 

Show Up, Authentically 

The most valuable tip we can offer you is to be authentic. Show up as your whole self for the whole time. From the very start, it’s key to ensure your therapist sees all sides of your personality. Resist the urge to downplay your strengths and gloss over your flaws. You are here to grow, and judgment of your character has no place in a holistic healing relationship. When you bring your authentic self to therapy, you invite the therapist into the vulnerable spaces where healing begins so it can take place most holistically. 

You have the power to shape your healing journey, and we’re here to help along the way.