Author: Ashley Amundson, DBH MS LPCC

I have a love-hate relationship with meditation. On the one hand, I have had so many positive experiences with it. On the other hand, many days when it’s time to meditate a part of me bolts for the hills like a half-tamed mare. 

It can be exasperating to witness how much bucking of the saddle lives on in me after all these years. I am not the elegant equestrian. I am the humbled rodeo clown, hat in hand. If you can relate, read on!

At this point my opinion is that as someone with tendencies towards addiction, maybe I can accept and validate this about myself rather than condemn it. Life is a little easier when I chuckle at my vivacious resistance, seeing it like a big, wet sandy dog who runs away from being washed after a walk on the beach, or a toddler who books it across the lawn because he knows I want to change his poopy diaper.

If you, like me, sometimes struggle to get yourself to meditate, here are some possibly-helpful tips. Shared with love and fondness for all within us that resists the bridle.

1. Understand the Role of Trauma

It took me a really long time to understand that part of why I struggle so much with meditation is that when I sit down and get in touch with my breath, I often encounter unprocessed trauma responses in the body. 

Unprocessed trauma responses in the body feel like death, literally, because it is the same energy and physiological messaging that your body has when you are actually dying. Given that I have a backlog of signals in the body saying “you’re not safe, you’re dying, you’re dying!”, it’s naturally challenging on some days. 

It’s true that eventually meditation helps with these things. But before you understand what’s going on, if you treat yourself like you’re bad for wanting to avoid that feeling, you can make it worse, because being bad is part of trauma. 

My suggestion: make kind recognition of trauma energies a deliberate part of the practice. Just as you may say to yourself, “Breathing in, I am aware that I am breathing in,”, you can also say, “This is a trauma response in the body. I am aware it is a trauma response in the body.”

2. Lower the Bar

A friend in Twelve Step once said, “If you must compare yourself, compare yourself to someone in your own weight class. Lightweights don’t fight heavyweights.” 

This was not meant offensively, but rather to say, understand the context of your consciousness, and lower the bar! If you are recovering from addiction, if you are still working out how to feel safe in your own skin, take that into account in your assessment of how well you are doing. 

There are differences in skill and capacity amongst us, no doubt. But there is no value difference between any of us because of that. We all contribute to God’s expanding consciousness, and are loved in equal measure just because. So make sure you are using a right-sized measuring stick.

3. Give the Inner Child Veto Power

I have a deal with my Inner Child that if the distress and discomfort becomes too overwhelming, she is allowed to say “time out” and I will honor it. Letting the Inner Child have veto power which she is allowed to use sometimes can create so much more safety around the practice. If there are days when you just can’t meditate, ok. There’s always tomorrow to try again. 

4. Don’t Make it an Ego Trip (or Notice When You Do)

One of the biggest pitfalls of course, is when we start thinking “Wow, I’m such a good meditator” or, conversely, “I’m such a terrible meditator! Oh no!” as if “a meditator” is an identity. 

This is the ego seeking shelter, once again, in making thingness out of something that’s not a thing, because ego likes stasis and to latch and grasp on. We can observe, laugh and marvel at ego’s tenacity, making that part of the practice too. “I see you, ego! Hi there!”

5. Turn it Over

Some days it’s honestly just: “Source, please make this meditation practice what you would have it be.” Because often enough it’s me, not spirit, who’s insisting on a particular idea of correct meditation. How long it should be, what it should be like. I may be meditating because I want to be victorious against my suffering, because I don’t want to experience my fear, because I want to feel like I was a good girl today. Spirit probably wants something else. So remember it’s always an option to say uncle and let the unconditioned space within you rise up to steer your practice.

Thanks for reading!

Human beings are made for friendship. The company of others makes our lives warmer, more light-filled, and resonant. 

Friends can surface qualities in us that otherwise stay submerged. They bring out our tenderness or our wit, maybe our rebelliousness and our generosity.  This harmonic resonance between compatible human beings is part of what makes friendship wonderful.

Some friends make us laugh – these friends are a treasure. Some friends give us room for the deeps inside, these being the ones who understand the inky waters of our hearts better than anyone else. 

Friends reflect to us pieces of our own nature, facets of the multidimensional jewel that every human being is. Knowing others, we know ourselves better. Each kaleidoscopic expression of a human soul helps us appreciate all humans. The fact that we are made like this is, in my mind, a cause for celebration, gratitude and joy. 

In order to have friends, we have to be friends, to activate the Friend Archetype inside. Just as only a Lover can be loved, only a Friend can be friends with another Friend. 

What is involved in being a friend? One way of thinking about it is that we must be available, adequately ready to share who we are with another. Our perspectives, our heart qualities, our instincts, must be accessible, relatively close to the surface. 

The only trouble with this is that to open ourselves to flow in an outward direction, sourcing from what’s inside us and heading to what looms out there, isn’t always easy. To open that gate requires some courage, some willingness to feel the waters of emotion flowing through us. 

Opening the gate also means that we open up to receiving, to potentially allowing another person’s energies to touch us, to interface with us, to change us. I don’t know about you, but I’m not always in the mood. Many days my trust is low and my expectations even lower. I don’t always have capacity. Sometimes I’m weary, recovering from the blows of life. 

But human beings are social animals, and we need to be among others of our own kind to feel complete. Mirror neurons show us that we are wired for empathy and to be attuned to the nervous systems of others. Our hardwiring for connection and communion in a tribal network of beings is an important aspect of the human experience. 

But we are also made for individuality, sovereignty, autonomy. To be always free in our own consciousness streams to choose the direction of our thoughts, feelings, and actions. To choose to merge in friendship from a place of loving communion is a choice.

There is wisdom in our psychological, physical distinctness from every other human. It’s what makes friendship possible, that we choose to come together and relate, and then choose to part again when the energies feel complete with that exchange. Psychological fusion with another is not the goal. 

On the painful side, our distinctness is why we can be lonely in our own skins, why merging with the essence of another through shared moments of understanding, prolonged eye contact, a shared funny bone, can feel rare.

Many of us also know what it feels like to be utterly isolated, fogged in, as though sealed into a weather system of our own misery, locked into a pocket of the universe where no light rays can find us. We can become as though fully disconnected and separate, and in this state we suffer immeasurably. 

In such times, where is friendship? Mystics from the Sufi tradition refer to God many times as “the Friend”, as one of the many names you can use to think about God. 

I love that idea, and it reflects my experience. In my most friendless times, I discovered the Friend within, both the one I am and the one that God is, and the fact that we are actually the same at some level of being. 

Loneliness gives us a reason to make friends with ourselves. If we want to experience true deep and loving friendship “out there”, then we need to also experience friendship internally, as our insides must match the outsides to be sustainable co-creators.

We are God in our innermost nature, and God is our Friend. So we are the Friend as well. When we choose friendship as a mode of relating, we both bring more friends into our own lives, and offer more of the vibration of friendship to the world.

And looking around the world today, it seems to me it sure could use a friend. 

Thanks for reading!

We are all breathing every second of the day, whether we are thinking about it or not. So what does it mean to do breathwork if breathing is an automatic process? 

Let’s explore the powerful benefits of breathwork and how it differs from other practices you may already know. 

What is the difference between meditation and breathwork?

The stereotypical picture of meditation is familiar to us: someone sits on the ground, eyes closed and palms upturned as they connect with blissful blankness. It looks like the embodiment of peace, and for many people, it can feel frustratingly unattainable. While this isn’t an entirely accurate picture of what meditation can truly be in your life, we don’t often have a mental picture for breathwork.

Breathwork isn’t a replacement or alternative to meditation but a practice entirely of its own. While meditation asks you for quiet focus, breathwork is entirely geared toward alternating the rhythm of your autonomic nervous system through the way you take in oxygen. Your breathing becomes the focus of your healing on every level- from the muscular action to the existential awareness- so that every breath you draw becomes the work you’re doing with your entire being.

Why is breathwork so powerful?

Breathwork is powerful because the air you breathe is a central component of powering your body and mind. You are shaped by the way you move through the world and the breath that moves through you as you do. Breathwork is powerful because you are powerful. 

Some of the benefits of breathwork are: 

• Reduced levels of pain and increased ability to self-manage pain 
• Better regulation of anxiety levels 
• Getting more (and better) sleep 
• Increasing the strength and health of your lungs
• Faster cell regeneration 
• Stronger immune system 
• Improved trauma recovery (physical and mental) 

• Increased circulation and more stable blood pressure 

There are many types of breathwork you can try

One of the most empowering reasons to consider breathwork for healing is the many ways to incorporate it into your life. Some types of breath work you may be familiar with already are square breathing, alternate nostril breathing, pranayama, or balanced breathing. There are practices for those just beginning, expert breath workers, and every stage in between. 

When you are beginning a breathwork practice as something new or an alternative to meditation, you can explore the types available based on what it is you’re looking for. Do you need support with anxiety or symptoms of trauma? Square breathing invites a 4-count breath at every step (inhale, pause, exhale, pause) and can help with that. Are you aiming for better control of your lung capacity and cell oxygenation? Diaphragmatic breathing engages your muscular strength in supporting those functions. 

How often should I practice breathwork?

As with all practices you begin, the way you cultivate it should be responsive to your needs and the progress you hope to make through it. 

Breathwork is scientifically proven 

Your ability to intentionally regulate your breathing has many benefits, as we’ve explored, but science wants you to know that it really works. With improvements to health that range from strong immune systems to improved removal of toxins through your breath, there are various studies that support the powerful effects of breathwork for healing. 

Breathwork works for healing because it is healing at a scientific and spiritual level. You are drawing in air that will move stagnancy within your body and introduce new possibilities as you remove the things that no longer serve you. For some people, that will be at a cellular physical level as toxins are removed. Others may find that the science of breath healing is more existential magic. 

The benefits you experience will be unique 

Your experience of breathwork will be just as unique as you are. While there is a vast possibility of benefits and life changes you may see, how breathwork impacts you will be a unique journey that you get to take. Every new change, benefit and development will be an exciting achievement to uncover along your path toward healing. 

How do I get started?

Whether you’re beginning as an alternative to meditation or in addition to other healing practices in your life, getting started with breath work is simple. You do not need a class, a guide or to be taught. There are types of breathwork you can do right here and now. Alternatively, there are amazing resources to inspire your breathwork practice across the internet, in holistic studios and communities across the country. 

Whether you choose to create a community breathwork practice or you strike out in a solitary space of internal healing, you have undoubtedly stumbled on a new space to breathe deep. 

Inhale, my friend, and prepare to exhale into new possibilities. 

If you or someone you know is ready to overcome substance addiction or is looking for a more holistic approach to recovery, Villa Kali Ma welcomes you. 

What if I told you that the power of observation may be the secret you’ve been looking for to unlock the magic in your world? Through the profound and already-present quiet joy in your life, it could be! But what is quiet joy, and how can you find it?

What counts as “quiet joy”? 

We already know that small things can have a big impact. Put simply, quiet joy is anything that is easily overlooked or often considered unimportant. Quiet joy is not about the big things or the active parts of our lives. It’s a passive observation of the things you’re already experiencing through your daily routine or the life that’s happening now. 

You are worthy of soft pleasures in life and quiet joy, and you are already rich in the experiences that provide them. To help you make the most of that, we’ve gathered our six favorite tips for harnessing the power of observation without creating more obligation. 

Our life-changing tips to find quiet joy every day 

1. Fit gratitude into new spaces. 

There are so many beautiful practices that center around gratitude in our lives, but when is the last time you scaled it down into the micro-moments of your day? Gratitude journaling is great, but what about gratitude notetaking, mood boarding or photography? Consider a practice that you can fit into any moment through the use of your phone, a journal or something else that you’ve always got at the tip of your fingers. You can use an app designed for it like Pinterest, or just the Notes app or photo albums on your phone to collect observations of gratitude you experience as you move through your daily life. 

2. Let your intuition lead you toward magic. 

You know, deep down, what helps you to see the wonder that exists in the world. Recognizing the implicit magic in the things that happen in your life is a skill you already have. Through conditioning, that skill becomes suppressed- you begin to recognize the magic in the expensive, novel or hallmark moments in life instead of all the places they reside. You may feel silly or a little bit ashamed by the joy of a sunset or the smell of a new book, but you shouldn’t! Trust those moments when you feel excited or enamoured by the ordinary moments in your life. Your intuition is showing you the everyday places the extraordinary is already present. 

3. Re-write your self-talk about value. 

You are not only valuable when you are performing to the expectations of yourself and others. Try practicing self-talk that’s observational for the magic that already exists in you. When you feel tempted to criticize yourself for a thought or feeling, try observing it. Instead of “I never get things right the first time”, you can try observing that you need a learning moment. Now you’ve made use of an experience that felt frustrating and the power of your observation can become a part of the narrative you have about yourself instead of just criticism.

4. Notice the mundane with intention. 

The power of the extraordinary still exists in our everyday lives, but we stop noticing it as a product of our constant activity. Each day, try narrating a different mundane part of your day to yourself. This may feel silly at first but you can harness some of the magic you’ve forgotten to feel simply by noticing it. So today when you make your afternoon snack or you wash your face tonight, narrate the process to yourself and observe all the actions, small and simple, that are contributing to the ways you experience care in your life. 

5. Choose one way to connect with your body every day. 

Whether you’re spending a few minutes in meditation or choosing a more hands-on approach like exercise or orgasms, return to the power of your physical presence for a few minutes each day. Doing one activity every day that makes you feel empowered in your body creates joy in a multitude of ways. When you stop thinking about the way you think about your body, you can feel about it instead. Take a moment to feel your body however is best for you and soak up the joy that brings you. 

6. Create something. 

Creation is one of the most empowering yet overlooked soft pleasures in life. Did you make yourself lunch? You created that meal- from the idea of it to the sustenance it’s provided to your body. Have you worked with your hands lately? That’s creating, whether you knitted a sweater or rearranged your spice cabinet. Creativity is an expansive part of our lives and, when we marvel at the magic we can create (see what we did there?), your creative power unfolds before you.

The extraordinary power of your intuition is on your side 

The soft pleasures are “a great pleasure in waiting”.  You already recognize the power of pleasure and of the experiences of life. Through intuition and excitement, quiet joy exists in your life and is available to you through the energy you expend already. It costs nothing extra in time or effort when you tune into your intuition. The challenge in recognizing and accessing quiet joy is to sit with them and turn your observation toward the everyday experience of living. When you do, you will find the pleasure they bring has been there for you all along. 

If you or someone you know is ready to unlock quiet joy in substance abuse recovery and beyond, Villa Kali Ma has a variety of programs available now. Get in touch today.