Women recovering from addiction, mental illness and trauma can find relief and improve their lives through learning to use the healing tools of Internal Family Systems Therapy. That’s why Internal Family Systems Therapy is one of the many trauma-informed approaches we offer at Villa Kali Ma. We use IFS tools to help women who are reclaiming lives of purpose, beauty and meaning. In this post, we’ll dive in to the topic of unburdening, a key component of the IFS approach to healing trauma.
What are Exiles in Internal Family Systems Therapy?
Internal Family Systems Therapy (IFS) is a parts-work model, which holds that all of us have many different sides of our nature, sometimes called sub-personalities in other psychotherapy approaches. Figures like the inner child and the inner critic are examples of parts, but IFS shows that there are a surprising number of parts inside of each person’s system, and that parts can be very unique and personal. By learning to relate kindly to each of our parts, we dramatically improve our inner world, learning to meet our own needs assertively, and eventually behaving very differently in the outer world as a result.
IFS divides parts into two categories, protectors and exiles, based on their role within the inner system. Protectors act defensively and reactively to try to shield us from overwhelming amounts of pain. Protectors are recognizable within the concept of psychological defenses, where behaviors like rationalizing or denial serve a protective function.
IFS holds that the parts of us that try, preventatively and reactively, to block us from feeling too much pain all at once are well-intentioned, misunderstood heroes. They have been helping us get through what otherwise might have completely blown us to smithereens, psychologically speaking. Protectors are the parts of us tasked with meeting expectations and maintaining relationships deemed necessary for our survival, such as making sure loved ones don’t abandon us and that we keep our jobs. Protectors can be quite extreme, but IFS says the extreme roles our protectors take on reflect accurately just how extreme our childhood circumstances were.
Exiles, on the other hand, rather than taking strategic action or trying to manage pain, are the ones that feel the feelings. These are the parts of us that have been burdened with extreme beliefs, thoughts, feelings and behaviors. An example of an extreme belief could be “I am a bad person” or “I don’t deserve love”. These beliefs are considered burdensome and extreme by IFS, because it is impossible to hold such a core belief and function well in the world for long. As long as a part of us continues to believe that about ourselves, the way that we perceive our lives, and how we feel about being alive, will be painful and dysfunctional. Burdens ultimately create suffering and problems in our lives. For us to get better, it is suggested that burdens be cleared from our system and fully healed, so that we can operate in a healthier way. Once these burdens are removed, we can expect that our parts become naturally free, happy and high-functioning, turning from burdened parts into wonderful versions of themselves!.
Other common burdens include shame, guilt, fear, rage, abandonment, betrayal, and powerlessness. Those of you who are familiar with the effects of trauma will notice that the feelings, thoughts, sensations and beliefs that exiles hold as burdens match the unresolved emotions and stresses of traumatization. The exiles are the parts within us, in fact, who are traumatized.
Recognizing Parts as Helpful
Because of the way that trauma works in the psyche, most of us found a way to divide our inner world into parts that can function well in the world, perhaps even carrying on with normal life. It was necessary to carry on with daily life tasks without excessive pain, shame, guilt, fear and anger. The way that this is possible is through a kind of compartmentalization, which means that the trauma-generated beliefs, thoughts, feelings and sensations are stored separately, sometimes in a completely different part of the brain.
This capacity of separating out parts internally is not pathological, but rather an ingenious mechanism invented by a psyche facing life-threatening circumstances. It is a way to temporarily not process what would otherwise be overwhelming to be consciously aware of in that moment.
In IFS, the parts that were stored away, who are holding the trauma experience, are in need of a process called unburdening. Although we have hidden traumatized parts away, their thoughts, feelings, emotions, and sensations still have influence on us. These wounded parts hold baggage that is weighing us down, and they keep trying to release it.
Their feelings and needs erupt to the surface at inopportune times. If you’ve ever overreacted to something, that suggests hidden parts inside, to whom that big reaction rightfully belongs. For example, we sometimes react “childishly” to something. In such cases, rather than calling ourselves immature, it is probably more accurate to say that a child part within us has surfaced. That child part’s way of looking at the world, the feelings she’s having, her very immaturity, are actually completely developmentally appropriate for a child her age.
The IFS Unburdening Process
IFS therapy calls the process of healing exiles “unburdening”, in honor of the fact that the goal of the process is to allow exiles to lay their burdens down once and for all. The heavy trauma baggage that these exiles have been carrying can, more often than not, be transmuted and transformed into something positive for the individual.
The unburdening process requires relating very differently to the parts within that are still carrying the beliefs, feelings, and sensations of our traumatic past. Rather than shutting them up and pushing them aside, we learn to support them by giving them what they didn’t have the chance to receive back then when the bad things were happening. By listening to them, believing them, and validating their feelings, we get into a position where we can give them the opportunity to drop the burdens they were forced to take on.
IFS likes to use symbolic processes inspired by the natural world during the unburdening. These metaphors serve to help young parts intuitively grasp how toxic mental, emotional, and even physical baggage can be utterly transformed into a new state. Burdens can be burned up in fire, faded in sunlight, or liquified in a volcano. They can be dissolved into the ocean, washed away in the rain, or pounded to bits by a giant waterfall. Old beliefs and emotions can be buried and digested by the earth, whisked away by the wind and evaporated in fresh air.
Once a part has told her story, and all the aspects of the burdens have been identified, the part is asked whether she would like to get rid of her burden using one of the natural world elements. There is no pre-defined way to use the elements – the burdened parts get to choose how they want to dispose of the material they have been carrying. Unburdening is, therefore, a creative, spontaneous, and unscripted process, drawing on images that arise naturally in the mind’s eye of the person who is healing. Intuition, instinct, and imagery are important parts of the unburdening process.
When in the Therapeutic Process Does IFS Unburdening happen?
Unburdening generally takes place at certain spontaneous openings in the healing journey, quite a bit later on in the overall arc of the IFS process. It is not at all unusual for most of the IFS session work to be centered on working with protector parts, rather than exiles. As with all trauma work, a certain degree of safety and stability must be established first.
This is because it is not possible to safely unburden exiles without the full permission and cooperation of our protector parts. Protector parts, like the inner critic and the addict, are powerful forces. If they do not feel it is safe to access our pain, or are afraid that healing this pain would somehow lead to consequences that wouldn’t be safe for us in the outer world, these parts easily sabotage or derail our attempts to heal. Sometimes the desire to heal runs directly counter to a protector part’s mandate.
If we try to heal our exiles without the express consent of our protectors, we will fail and experience backlash. Symptoms that are present in our inner system as the result of the operations of one of our protectors will increase rather than decrease. For example, if we have a substance-using part in our system, we must have the trust and cooperation of that substance-using part before trying to access an exile that substance-using part is protecting. If we do not first gain permission, the substance-using part could very likely increase the substance use as a way to defend against conscious contact with the traumatized exile.
If and only if we have first befriended protectors, understood their concerns in full, and come to a friendly agreement about unburdening some of the exiles’ load of pain, is it a good idea to try unburdening an exile.
Gaining consent from our protectors can be a long process. We must honor the wisdom and experience of our protectors, proceeding very slowly and with utmost respect.
For all of these reasons, it is not recommended to try to undergo the unburdening process in full without an IFS practitioner to facilitate. At the same time, learning about the unburdening process can be helpful for anyone, as long as you remember not to venture into dangerous territory without a professional to help you. In that spirit, we offer the following exercise, for you to explore on your own time and authority, as you see fit.
Journal Exercise to Explore the IFS Concept of Burdens
Please take what you like and leave the rest of the following journal exercise for exploring the concept of burdens and unburdening. If you notice that you are getting activated, take that as a sacred “no” and stop doing the exercise. There is no benefit to pushing through or overriding your boundaries or concerns; that will only result in backlash.
Please, we mean it. Slower is faster with all healing work!
This exercise zeros in on one particular part of the unburdening process, which involves asking the question, “What would you have rather experienced?”
- Think of a specific, light-to-medium burden that you already have noticed you carry, which you can use to explore this process. The way to detect a burden is you notice that there is constriction, heaviness, resistance, or a sense of unhappiness around a topic.
Please don’t go for an item that has a lot of emotional charge. Instead, pick something that you know you will be able to explore without getting triggered.
For example, perhaps you feel under-confident in your cooking abilities. It’s not enormously triggering to think about, but you know that you have some kind of negativity around it.
- Think of a specific time when you encountered this burdened feeling, thought, or sensation in yourself. Recall the scene in which you encountered this burdened energy, and write down the following:
- Sensations-What happens in my body when I encounter this burdened topic? Sensations, postures, & movement impulses, etc?
- Feelings-What emotions do I feel? What comes up for me?
- Thoughts -What goes through my head?
- Behavior Impulses-What do I notice I want to do?
- Beliefs-What core beliefs get activated? What negative self-concepts seem to get confirmed?
- Do-Over time! For each of the above items you noted, what would you have rather experienced?
I would have rather experienced…
- Sensations
- Feelings
- Thoughts
- Behavior Impulses
- Core Beliefs
Congratulations! You have explored one aspect of the unburdening process – identifying what you would rather have had.
IFS Therapy for Women at Villa Kali Ma
Villa Kali Ma is a licensed provider of integrative mental health services, trauma treatment, and addiction recovery. In all of our programs, we use a combination of clinical and holistic approaches to help women heal from substance abuse, psychological disorders, and trauma.
Our clinical program is built around evidence-based practices widely recognized within the addictions, mental health and trauma field to work best with women. These effective clinical modalities include Internal Family Systems Therapy (https://villakalima.com/internal-family-systems-therapy-for-women-with-addiction/), EMDR, Ecotherapy, and several other wonderful approaches, such as Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (https://villakalima.com/sustainable-recovery/acceptance-and-commitment-therapy/), Mindfulness and Self-Compassion Therapy (MSC), and Somatic Experiencing (https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-somatic-experiencing-5204186).
In addition to our clinical core, we administer a comprehensive suite of holistic interventions, in complementary sessions interwoven throughout main treatment hours. Our holistic program includes yoga, breath work, acupuncture, nutritional medicine, spiritual coaching, and more.
