Category: Wellness

Good therapists, parents, teachers, healers and friends all share a secret: they understand the power of Unconditional Positive Regard. That’s why we like to be around them, why we feel safe and good when we’re with them.

Unconditional Positive Regard is a magic potion for the soul, and it is one of the faces of love. 

The phrase itself comes from Carl Rogers, a renowned psychologist whose philosophy of therapeutic relationships has been very influential. Rogers helped articulate why it is that for clients, just to be witnessed in an unconditionally accepting, friendly way is healing in and of itself. 

Responding to an era in which many psychologists were trained to hold a very distant and analytical stance towards clients, Rogers argued that therapists need to bring an aspect of warmth and human kindness to treatment, or no one will get any better. 

Many of us who are drawn to professional roles of service arrive at the same conclusion, with or without coming into contact with Rogerian writings, just based on our experiences sitting in the room with people: platonic love is an important part of any healing relationship. 

This makes so much sense once we have understood that the cause of all psychological pain is disconnection, or missing warmth. 

When we have parts within us who are cut off through fragmentation and trauma from the inner sunshine of our own love, these parts take on semi-autonomous lives that erupt into the surface and cause problems. Healing comes from reclaiming all citizens of the psyche who have been split off and disowned, giving them love, belonging, and a seat at the table. 

If I am able to convey my attitude of Unconditional Positive Regard to you, you will feel a warm space encompassing you, in which you are free to share even those things that you yourself are unsure about or feel ashamed of. You will sense in your gut that you cannot be lowered in my eyes here, that I will always esteem you, just because. 

You know that I will see you in the kindest light, and that your shade is ok with me. This is possible because I do not mistake you for any passing quality of light or absence thereof, but understand you are the deeper, unchanging part underneath all that. 

Skeptics of the “love is all you need” approach like to point out that we should focus on reality, call a spade a spade. That’s true too. We need to acknowledge what is here, and admit that it is ugly, if it truly is. 

However, we don’t have to be unkind to ugliness itself by adding extra pain and alienation through judgment. Yes, it might be egotism, narcissism, or hatred here in the room with us. We might be causing long-lasting damage to others with our shadows. 

But that’s life. Judging things and moralizing, saying “It shouldn’t be this way” doesn’t actually make unwanted sides of a human being go away (in fact, just the opposite). Only acceptance creates the kind of environment in which problematic behavior can convert itself into a positive expression of itself.

When someone sees the best in us, they see that our worst traits have an aspect of goodness in them. They see things we are addled with for the life-preserving attempts they are. They see our needs, the limited options we had, how we made do with the lack of love, and survived anyway.

Unconditional Positive Regard loves all of psyche’s creations in abundant measure. It knows all humans, including therapists, have great and terrible shadows. And that the deathless luminosity of anyone’s inner radiant sun can incinerate us all with its powers of love. Such is soul.

Rogers helped provide rationale and language for a truth within psychotherapy, which is that when we offer Unconditional Positive Regard as a background hum to all situations, troubles have a way of melting open, giving up their burdens to be seen, and softening away from stubborn stances of opposition. In my opinion, it is not only a tool for building trust in therapy, but an attitude for life.

The world we have around us now is the world we got by judging, shaming, rejecting, moralizing, criticizing, blaming and withholding love from ourselves and others. I’d like to see what the opposite world looks like, how about you? 

It is my sincere belief that a new earth can be built, atom by atom, with Unconditional Positive Regard. 

Like most words that resonate at the collective level, empowerment has gemstone-like facets.

Those of us who live in a state of disconnection from our own true power feel the loss as pain, even if we don’t realize it. Whenever we are mad or blue about how things are, in resistance to someone or something, we are missing our long-lost power. 

We can wish that someone or something would grant us power, so that we could at last experience it embodied, here and now, within our own beings. Coursing through our veins, available for creation of a world we actually would feel enthusiastic about living in. 

I know my list of wishes is long, and I expect yours is the same. I wish I had the power to… the power to… the power to… Perhaps our love of mythic heroes with transcendental superpowers stems from this longing, to live a life of strength and potency. Amid so much that is not how we would choose it to be, our missing power can break our hearts, give us a gloomy view. 

Contained in the word empowerment is the starting place of having no power. If you already have power, you don’t need to be empowered. Which begs the question, who is it who can empower another? Who actually has the authority?

Some have criticized the word itself for this implied change of state, pointing out that it underscores the myth of power being held not within, but outside of us. 

If before empowerment takes place, I have no power, power must be granted. This is like saying sovereignty does not exist, and that what we need for a life of agency and meaning can only be given to us by those who keep it tucked away from us. 

The trouble with this is that it’s too easy for those who appoint themselves as power-holders, who feel justified to mete out permissions or restrictions, to have actual worldly control. The Great and Terrible Oz rules by our collective permission. How did we get here?

Maybe it’s a good time to remember that empowerment means stepping into one’s pre-existing potential to have and to hold power. More a process of recognition of what is already there, than a transfer from something outside of us, into us. By this way of thinking, empowerment is simply to tap into what is already within us, digging into the earth of ourselves to reach an underground spring. 

When we are not empowered, we feel life happens to us, without consent or choice. This is the victim stance. The victim state is horrible. The victim needs comfort, addictions to avoid her pain. When I have no agency, no influence to secure for myself what I want, what I need to have a good life, then I am in the trauma-spell of disempowerment. Disempowerment as a permanent state will require some measure of chronic pain management for the soul. Good for business, from the point of view of those who profit from human pain. 

Sometimes people think they’re empowering themselves, when in truth they are giving into revenge. The urge is natural in some ways, and we should look out for it. It’s not the power we really want, when we seize our opportunity to dominate and control others. Swinging into the opposite pole, and still externally focused, I get my “power” through tyranny? No. 

Empowerment is the middle place, where I see fully that the outer is the logical manifestation/match to our insides. The world out there is a co-arising mirror, following in the wake of my own movements. 

The waves I experience now, lovely or horrid, are the natural consequences of what was co-created at the collective level in our shared past. If we don’t like it, we can make a different choice now. Sooner or later, the new choices will create a world we prefer. 

When we do this, we meet resistance, the resistance of the clay against the molding & shaping. That doesn’t mean that it’s not the right thing to do. Empowering ourselves is not, necessarily, easier in the short term nor entirely free of suffering. But it is required for the restoration of choice. And choice is key to a truly human life. 

As we all know at some level of our being, the moment of empowerment is like the moment that Glenda the Good Witch reminds Dorothy that she has had the power all along, right there on her own two feet. 

Is that good news or bad news, in your opinion?

How to love yourself is the most important question to answer in this lifetime. 

In some ways, it’s the only question we ever ask. It’s behind everything else we go after or avoid. The drive towards love is our core mechanism. The mantra of our haunted parts is this, on repeat: How can I get love? How can I get love? How can I get love?

If you think that you need an external achievement, you may believe that achieving it will help you experience your own love and self-approval. Would you like yourself more, be nicer to yourself, esteem yourself more if you managed to get this specific objective done? 

Would you give yourself the warm enthusiasm, recognition and support you need, if only you could first turn into someone better than the person you see looking back at you in the mirror now? Do you essentially say to yourself, I’d like to love you, but it would be so much easier if you were thinner, prettier, smarter, more talented, if you had a different personality, if you weren’t so needy?

That’s the curse and the trap of conditional loving. Conditional love is the old operating system we are evolving out of now. Conditional love is pure Pavlovian programming: do this and you get love. Don’t do that, or you’ll get no love. Love given as a reward for obeisance, withheld as punishment for going against the grain.  

We go crazy for love. Like rats in the maze, we’ll turn this way or that way, all in the name of love. It’s because love is the true food for our beings, and without it we die, like plants that get no sunlight.

Learning to love the person in the mirror

If you’re struggling with how to love yourself, this isn’t your fault. You have been told since birth not to love yourself unless, in so many ways. And yet if you were to love yourself, you’d be free from everything that torments you, however, it does so. Addictions, compulsions, trauma, disorders – all of these crumple and disappear in the radiant, forgiving presence of your own true love for yourself.

Funnily enough, loving yourself begins, like everything else, just with the decision to do so. Followed by determination and grit. You decide to do it, and then you do it. You understand it will take a while to change your habits. You don’t give up, even though it’s hard. You figure it out, somehow, some way. You fight your way to love, like a sprout that breaks through concrete to get to the light, if you have to. 

How to love the bad parts

Loving yourself means loving your “bad self”. The one that no one wanted around. The one that was shamed and blamed, the one you turned against because it got you in trouble. The one who did things the love-givers in our lives didn’t want us to do. The one we put in the closet a long time ago and cannot tolerate to be reminded of. 

Get in touch with that part of you. She is everywhere, all around you, all the time, and within you, too. Your job in this lifetime is this: find a way to love her.  

It can help to understand that you are the clay, not the shape the clay is in right now. All shadows are in terrible condition from being in the dark so long. We must take it on faith that when we give love to our shadows, only then will they be able to take on their true form. In their true form, they are beautiful gifts to us and our life purpose. Always. 

Can we love ourselves when we’re in our shadow shapes, behaving and being the opposite of our chosen natures? Yes, we can. We must remember that these ugly things we see in ourselves come from wounding, and the defense postures we take to defend the wound.

When we encounter shade in ourselves – our devouring egos, our imperfections of character, the earthy realities of bodies – the challenge is to own that shade and to forgive it, to love it. Not because it deserves love – love cannot be deserved or undeserved, it just is, like the sun that shines on everything equally. We give our love to all parts no matter what, because love is what unbinds us from shadow forms.

Choosing love

Once we make the determination that we will love all parts of ourselves, even the bad parts, self-loving actions follow. Ripples of powerful, all-embracing love emanate from us like the circles of reverberation that follow a stone dropped into a pond. 

Which means our own love will reflect back to us, too. Which means someday, when we look in the mirror, we will see somebody very, obviously lovable there, eyes shining back at us.

Have you experienced the power of a positive mindset? Miracle, synchronicity, happy accident– these are some of the names we call it when life works out in our favor. 

Can you think of a time when your own ability to generate positive feelings, perspectives, or even just your sunny vibe helped you out? 

What about the power of a negative mindset? Can you think of a time when no matter what someone said to cheer you up, you felt weighted down by thoughts and feelings of darkness and gloom? Can you think of an incident in your life where your own mindset negatively impacted how events unfolded? 

My guess is that no matter how cynical or heartbroken you sometimes feel, you have experienced beautiful, heavenly magic in your life some of the time. My guess is also that no matter how positive you may be, you have also experienced the discouragement, even devastation, of things not working out the way you would have preferred. I say that confidently because you’re a human, and it’s the same for all of us.

The truth is that we humans are in a curious quandary. We do not have absolute power over our own lives – at least, we do not experience it that way. However, we are also not powerless – what we do, what we think, how we behave, and the energy we put out into the world has a huge impact on how life goes for us. 

So what do we do? Do we accept the bitterness of life, and stop dreaming, as many have urged us to? Or do we keep wishing, and as a result of letting our hopes rise with those wishes, also sometimes slam up against hard walls in the preexisting reality we are in? 

Are we mad to keep hoping for goodness to appear when life has shown us how much evil there is, or are we mad to stop dreaming of better, when life has shown us how much goodness there could be, if only we would nurture it? 

I believe that this is a choice each of us makes, and that we each live with the consequences. Whatever world we want to live in, we help create it or we help thwart it, by the thoughts we choose to power up and animate with our life energy. At the same time, we all have shadows, and spiritual bypassing – trying to skip over the dark side – only causes shadow to amplify and gain strength. 

So how on earth do we harness the power of a positive mindset, in a world that has as many demons as it does, where denial does nobody any good, but demoralization is a deadly killer, too?

What is especially tender to me about the choice to have a positive mindset in spite of it all, is that it means we are willing to be in our vulnerability. There is no ultimately protected path through this life, no version of the human journey where we are not familiarized with pain. We will be wounded. 

At the same time, through our wounds we deepen more fully into our love and our grief for others and our own selves, as we experience the preciousness of what human life is. 

There is a saying that a teapot shattered and pieced back together is a truer, better teapot than the unbroken one, and it sure seems that many of us need to go through this same process before we can fully understand our own value and love ourselves as much as we truly merit. 

So what is a positive mindset in such a world? 

I cannot speak for you, but to me a positive mindset is one in which we say all things are possible. Yes, things are what they are, right now. 

And at the same time I know that there are positive forces at play in this world – forces that made the big, wild ocean. Forces that designed hummingbirds, that grew fresh soft sage in the springtime, that dreamed up capybaras and babies’ perfect little toes. 

That creative energy, that loving, exquisite, and generous presence, can be called upon to help us at any time. I trust that this energy, being as supreme as it is, is quite capable of giving a solution, a medicine, an antidote, an evolutionary response, to any problem I could possibly face. 

I also know – I choose to recall from my own experiences – that there is always a gift in not getting what I want, and that in austerities of all kinds, and deprivations, there is the gift of discovering something even better grown from inside myself, that far surpasses the pleasure I imagined I’d get from an external situation I was longing for. 

Ultimately, all things, positive or negative, lead me back to the fact that I have choice and responsibility in this world, that I can choose to be a force of good in the face of that which has harmed me without limit, or I can see what it’s like to give into the sadness. In that landscape of choice, I choose a positive mindset, one that feels authentic to me.

Dear reader, what about you? What is your reason for trying, in your beautiful, fragile, human way, to have your own positive mindset, in a world like ours? 

When I take care of myself, I take care of all. This is because each human being affects every other human being. We are interconnected at the psychic level like all of nature is connected. 

That might sound like woo, but it is also scientific. What we emanate through our hormones, through our breath, through the contraction or dilation of our pupils, is registered and received by the others. 

We share the air we breathe, the microbiome, collective immunity. We share happiness and unhappiness whether we mean to or not, through a complex network of molecular communications. 

Because of our interconnection, any solution I am able to forge in my own private experience is a solution that I share with others, just as any trouble that I fall into is a trouble that affects all. 

Although we all fear being seen as selfish, in actual practice the more I take care of me, the more you have time, space, and encouragement to care for yourself. Also, the more I care for me, the more energy and peace of mind I have to share with you if you need me to support you in your self care. 

If we each work out to build the muscles of self care, then I can spot you and you can spot me. My strength is your strength.

If it should happen that you are not able to care for yourself, as happens to all of us at some point, then what you need is someone who has a strong practice of self care to be there for you. Another depleted, hurt person will not be able to help you as much as someone who is feeling good enough, whose joy is so strong as to not shrivel in the face of another human’s need or pain.  

Most of us become less generous when our needs aren’t met. If I put plenty of food on my own plate – more than enough – then I don’t mind if it turns out you need some too. If I am starving – for love, for alone time, for creative expression– that’s when I become stingy, critical and distant. From a place of deprivation, I may be jealous and small-hearted.

Self care is not gobbling up all the resources or taking from others, or guilting people into giving us what is rightfully theirs. Self care includes the awareness that all others are equally entitled and infinitely celebrated for caring for themselves. As conscious members of the citizenry of humanity, we support each other to each care for our own needs. 

If you don’t have a self care practice yet, I do so highly encourage you to begin. For your own sake, and for the sake of us all. 

Here is an exercise you can do to reflect on what your personal self care practice could be about, looking forward into this year.  

1. Identify everything you need to have a good life according to your own definition. Do not worry, yet, about how you will meet these needs. Just identify everything that matters to you, answering the question: What Do I Need to Have a Good Life? 

Don’t forget that needs mean not only what the body needs to be happy, but also what heart, soul, mind, and spirit need to flourish and grow. Do not be stingy with yourself; put anything on your list that feels like it is part of a good life in your definition. 

• Make a fantasy schedule of a day that meets all of the needs from your list. Please don’t worry about reality. This is playtime. 

At 2:00, I meet my need for time alone in the beauty of nature by going for a long walk in the hills, which in my fantasy are right behind my house, and filled with deer and foxes.   

• Finally, make a practical, realistic schedule for a day that meets as many of the needs from your list as possible. Be creative and try to fit in as many needs as you can in one day. 

Before work, I do yoga for 1 hour to meet my needs for quiet, meditative time, and movement. While working I listen to beautiful choral music to meet my needs for awe and celebration of the human spirit.  

Use this schedule as inspiration and a guide for how to shape your life this year. Adjust as you go along, adapt and learn. This process can be repeated at any point to get you in touch again with what you need, now. Have fun with it. 🙂 

Exercise can change more than your physical body. Did you know you can move your way to more bountiful mental health? We don’t just mean yoga either (though we love it- and believe that it’s an important part of healing)! Many kinds of exercise can be a powerful benefit to shaping your mental health to reflect a more holistic relationship with the body you nourish with movement. 

Create movement your way

There is a nearly limitless way to engage in exercise routines that fuels your fulfillment. From dancing in the kitchen while you cook or trail running to yoga or high-intensity workout routines, there are options to make it what you need. You can move your body in the manner of your choosing. Your exercise can take place at the discretion of your schedule and through the everchanging scope of your personal needs without ever being questioned about its validity. 

Exercise can reduce your risk factors for co-occurring disorders 

Two of the key ways that exercise supports a healthier relationship with your mind and mood are by helping to improve your sleep and focusing the mind on reducing the power of intrusive thoughts. Better sleep sets you up for a healthier frame of mind, and the feel-good hormone boost exercise provides can reduce lingering anxiety and help you rewrite your response to your mental wellness. 

Imagine a day spent in nature, hiking a mountain with stunning views and rugged terrain. When you fall into bed that night, you won’t have so much energy to focus on the niggling anxieties that linger in the quiet. By exhausting the energy reserves in your body, there is a decreased risk of insomnia as you fall into bed for sleep at night. 

Similarly, is it possible to dwell on the lingering fog of burnout when you’re trying to remember a complicated series of asana in your yoga class? Breaking the hold of those thoughts on your focus reduces the risk of anxiety playing havoc with other mental health symptoms. 

Additionally, exercise can reduce blood pressure and resting heart rate while increasing your body confidence. These things can align to minimize stress on the body and body image, both of which can improve your physical and mental health. 

Exercise is not a mental health solution; it’s a holistic tool 

Any age. Any movement. Any body. No matter the exercise you choose, it won’t solve your mental health concerns. It won’t cure your depression or alleviate your compulsions. It’s not meant to fix anything, but it can help. Moving your body productively in a manner that feels good to you is a way to reconnect with yourself so that you can rewrite the relationship of wholeness that feeds your future. There is no single way to do this, and there’s certainly no easy one. But a beautiful place to begin is one focused on using the tools that support you now and can grow with you into the future. 

Your holistic being is incredibly responsive to the things you use to fuel it. When you change your diet, your body notices in systematic response to the way you’ve chosen to engage with it. It’s like a conversation: your taste buds signal the stomach, which employs the digestive process, and your body begins the myriad of processes that break down your food into usable nutrients and energy. 

It does much the same for your mind when you exercise. The uptick in heart rate and engagement of your vascular system signals a waterfall response that triggers different hormones to prepare and engage with the way you’re using your body and its energy to move through your exercise. 

You can’t get it wrong

Exercise has something to offer everyone for body, mind, and spirit because no one can get it wrong. There is infinite value in entering a space of healing with the knowledge that this is your choice, and you can create the way that looks and feels for you. From scheduling to activity, your relationship with exercise as a tool for your mental health is yours to cultivate in the ways that feel best for you. 

You are choosing to move your body to support your mind, and that choice puts the power of change back into your hands- exactly where it belongs. You are capable of changing your life, one step at a time. With the boost in brain power and sleep that moving your body can provide, you will have more space in your life to focus your energy on changing the things that do not serve you so you can celebrate the things that do. 

Are you a better friend to others than you are to yourself? I bet you are. 

Imagine your best friend calls you up needing to talk. She’s not feeling very good about herself. You can hear in her voice and in her words that she’s beating herself up about something.

You know that she’s still lovable, even if she did kind of mess something up. 

You remember her essential goodness quite easily, even if she can’t. And when she tells you what happened, the words to make her feel better come effortlessly out of your mouth.

See? You know perfectly well how to be a friend. So you might wonder why you don’t treat yourself with the same kindness? 

Maybe you think you don’t deserve it. If you’re like most women, you have a double standard. Your friend deserves the benefit of the doubt, second chances, room to be imperfect and time to get better. You deserve none of these things. You are to be treated with suspicion, criticism, and cynicism at all times.

Do you treat yourself like some kind of dangerous, reprehensible criminal, likely to do something bad at any moment? If so, what exactly are your crimes? Are they really so terrible that you should punish yourself permanently for them? Even if you have done some truly selfish, cringe-worthy things – most of us have – what type of attitude towards yourself actually makes you behave better: kindness or meanness?  

My opinion is we’ve all been trained to believe that lightly abusing ourselves psychologically is necessary to be “good”. In actual fact, maintaining a background level of self-hatred and withholding approval from ourselves hurts us and makes us behave less well. It is counterproductive.

So I think it’s high time that all of us good Best Friends stop cooperating with this outdated idea, that we’ll spoil ourselves if we are too nice to ourselves in our own heads. How about we start treating ourselves like members of the human race. 

To start: I vote we get rid of the idea of deserving. Many say to themselves, I will be kind to myself only if I deserve it. I will first review the facts, judge myself, and then grant myself kindness or meanness based on the quality of my behavior and character. 

Who are we, Judge Judy? Is life a court of law? 

I don’t think love should be withheld as a way to motivate behavior. That is just abuse. When kindness is a reward for good behavior, instead of a basic human right, we get what we have now in our society. A very ill, very hurt, very traumatized version of humanity. 

The truth is, it is not necessary, ever, to shame, blame or punish ourselves or anyone else. Shame, blame and punishment are not at all helpful; they are abusive. 

Abuse harms the human spirit, and contrary to what authorities have told us our entire lives, it does not create positive behaviors. Across the board, abuse only creates the temporary appearance of goodness (obedience due to fear of punishment), which is not the same thing as voluntarily choosing positive behaviors because of a true recognition of our shared humanity. Abused people, time has shown, spread their abuse. Loved people spread their love. 

Here’s my invitation to you: 

Write out a definition of how a Best Friend behaves. For example: A best friend helps you laugh it off. A best friend listens without judgment. A best friend helps you feel the feelings. A best friend gives you space and time. A best friend looks past your failings and highlights the good within you. 

Now start treating yourself that way. Here are two effective ways to practice this behavior until it becomes second nature (which can take some years, but makes a difference even after just one time, like learning anything new):

1. Record your own voice saying very nice, loving things to you, as though you are leaving a voice message for friend. Address yourself using your own name, and speak to yourself in a loving tone of voice. Then listen back to these nice things. The more you do it, the easier it will be. 
2. Write it out in your journal as a dialogue, where you go back and forth, being your own friend. Like this: 

Holly: I can’t believe I messed up like that…

Inner Best Friend: Want to tell me how you feel? 

It might be hard at first, but I have 100% confidence that you can learn to treat yourself humanely. If you’re having a “what would people think?” reaction to this, I assure you, no one even has to know you’re doing it. You can be secretly quite decent to yourself, in your own head. This will help everyone, everywhere. You got this 🙂

 

The ways in which we are encouraged to think about—and care for—ourselves can feel innumerable. Each year, the “self-fill in the blank” trends seem to expand and contract, folding in on one another to encourage you to create a whole scope of spaces where you ensure you are getting what you need to exist in this world. Over the past year we’ve shared quite a few ideas ourselves about what to focus on in your pursuit of wellness: 

Self- Confidence   Self- Kindness   Self- Forgiveness

Self- Love   Self- Care   Self- Nurture

 Just like you, each of those facets of self are unique in the way you acknowledge them, in the care they need and the work they require. While all aspects of self are valuable, there is one inherent to the way you can engage with them all: how you value yourself. 

What does it mean to value yourself? 

Your self-value is built on the foundation of your self worth. Much like currency, a unit of measure must be established in order to begin exchanging it for things. Your energy is your currency and to use it effectively, you must determine its worth. What is your time worth to you? How about your love? Your laughter? Your tears or pain? 

Your worth is the currency, and your value is found in how you spend it. Your value is what takes the wheel when you turn away from something and say I can’t spend my worth on this. I owe myself more. Your value is what you honor when you look at something new with a lightness in your chest (and maybe a little fear too) and say I am investing in this part of me with my excitement and energy. 

Your value is rooted in your worth, your self-esteem and your own commitment to honoring them both. To value yourself means you must compassionately acknowledge your worth actively and relentlessly in the choices you make and the way you think. 

Banish the just

Do you struggle to recognize your skills and give them the merit they deserve? If you’re quick with the self-criticism, ready at a moment’s notice to review the ways you want to improve, you should work toward applying that same speed to validating your skills. It’s easy to dismiss the things you’re good at as just who you are or just a small thing. 

But that’s not true. 

Your skills are a part of who you are. Even if you enjoy them, they have taken work. You’ve honed them, spent time on them, developed their use and application. 

Just good with words? Just speedy with math? Just organized? 

Those skills are important and inherent parts of who you are. Valuing them for being exactly that is a huge part of not only valuing yourself, but expressing your value for others to recognize. 

Being, not doing 

Valuing yourself will come much more easily if you can tabulate and recognize the things that make you feel confident in your ability to take up space. While there is much value in the things you can do (and they deserve not only your recognition but your celebration as well), you are not a sum of your abilities. 

Doing the work of recognizing your skills is important but the key to valuing yourself will be found in the emotional experience of recognizing yourself. You are a whole person, full of valuable and precious thoughts, ideas, experiences and expressions. Spend time with those things. Piece them out, pick them up, hold and inspect them. See how uniquely you each part of your being is in the same manner you inventory the things you can do. 

Variable but constant 

How you experience your own value will change from moment to moment and profoundly across the span of your life. Through your recovery journey, you will encounter moments where it’s difficult to value some parts of who you have been as you move into yourself now. Even those struggles bring value, if not in what they were, then at least in what they taught you. Not everything happens for a reason but that doesn’t mean there isn’t reason to be found in everything. 

In every transformation there is variation. What parts of yourself you value you most, or the ways you express that value, will change. The constant in this process is the unshakeable truth that you deserve to feel valued not just by those around you, but by yourself first and foremost. If you’re looking for guidance on finding it, on finding you, and in learning to not just see but celebrate your own value, it can be found inside you. If you need a little support from the outside as you journey inward, we’re here for you.

Often when we are hurting, we find ourselves reaching past the healing we need toward means of comfort and distraction. It’s easier to distract from pain than feel it, and that distraction can move swiftly toward indulgence that becomes something more. Walking a path of distracting instead of feeling and indulging instead of healing, is a treacherous journey that often leaves you feeling worse after every redirection. 

So where do you go from here? When your impulse is to distract or indulge, how do you make choices that look or feel better for your wellbeing? Is self-care the way forward or self-nurturance? Will it require more pain for you to make a different choice? 

What does it mean to nurture yourself?

To nurture yourself does not mean to make yourself comfortable. In fact, it often means the opposite. Nurturing is a way of caring for ourselves in the challenging moments as much as the ones that come easy. We nurture ourselves in the moments we are afraid and push through; we nurture ourselves when we pursue something that we aren’t sure we will succeed at. We nurture ourselves especially beautifully when we allow ourselves to sit in emotions that are messy or situations that are uncertain. 

Nurturing is the act of giving the whole self holistic care. Much like parenting is to a child, nurturing yourself is the persistent and compassionate belief in your ability to overcome. 

Self-care vs Self-nurture

The much-lauded practice of self-care is everywhere in one form or another. That bath? Self-care. A pedicure? Definitely self-care. Yes, read that book, watch that show, indulge in that chocolate- it’s self-care, after all. But self-care is so much more than we are often shown. It is not all easy, and it’s certainly not the indulgent picture painted so often in media. Self-care can be difficult, rigorous work. The acts of care that help us move forward and progress in the world—like rising to a challenge—is self-care just as much as taking a shower often enough to feel clean and productive. 

Self-care is the verb to the self-nurture’s noun. Care is what we do, and nurturing is how we frame our thoughts about it. We nurture our thoughts, our needs and our worth. We care for them too, but first, we must nurture them into the certainty that they are valid and deserve to take up space. Though we need self-care to self-nurture, we must learn to nurture before we can offer ourselves true care. 

Are you prone to self-indulgence? 

Ah, indulgence. To sink into the wanting instead of the needing, and allow yourself to truly know decadence. It’s something special to be able to appreciate the finer things in your world- from small brief delicacies to extravagant ones. 

When indulgence becomes a form of coping instead of confronting, it becomes a substitute for nurture and care. Emotional pain may be difficult or confusing to feel. Often, it’s not clear what we’re meant to do with those feelings, and as society sweeps the messy things under the rug, we may want to as well. Indulgence can be something benign like an extra show, an extra scoop, or an extra hour- or it can seep into substances or habits that can become dangerous. Indulgence may become addiction if it’s not curtailed when it moves past an occasional treat into a daily habit. 

Re-writing your healing 

Stepping into the uncomfortable spaces to shape the way you nurture yourself can be difficult, but you are more than capable. Spend some time with yourself, considering the ways you approach your inner child. Give yourself the space to think about what would feel best in a variety of situations or emotional experiences. 

What would feel best when you’re afraid? When you’re angry? How can you celebrate your wins? Where do you look for clarity when you’re confused? 

Focus on these feelings and the authentic places you react and then apply them. Listen to your intuition for what you need, and move toward the nurturing habits that will allow you to give yourself those things. 

Ways to shape your nurturing 

The hows of nurturing yourself are always going to be highly specific. Just like your fingerprint and your self-care, it’s entirely unique to you. Shaping the nurturance you offer yourself is a delicate dance of identifying the unconscious needs that drive your emotions and sitting with them long enough to hear what they’re really saying. 

You can shape your nurturing through: 

• Meditation 
• Journaling 
• Inner-child care 
• Affirmations 
• Moving your body 
• Practice radical honesty 

This list is by no means exhaustive, but it never could be. You are so beautifully unique that the chances for nurturing yourself will bend and extend as often as you do. No matter where you are on your healing or recovery journey, it is never too late to learn to nurture yourself, and we’re always here to help. 

If we don’t care for ourselves, who is going to do it? Relying on anyone else to care for us, give us what we need, or make us feel whole and complete will never work. 

If you want to truly learn how to love yourself and fill yourself up with self-worth and empowerment, then you need to start practicing self-care. 

In this article, we’re going to share several self-care ideas for women.

Self Care Ideas for Women

We can easily take ten minutes each day to show ourselves some self-care. The idea is to find something that brings you comfort and just makes you feel good — and make a point to do it daily. The great thing about self-care is that it doesn’t have to be anything extravagant. And it doesn’t have to take up hours out of your day.

We spend so much time thinking about everyone else that it can be hard to even think of something to do to take care of ourselves! So, to help you out, we’ve put together a list of 11 self-care ideas for women. 

Here are 11 self-care ideas for women.

1. Say I’m Sorry – to Yourself

Forgiveness is powerful and can rebuild and strengthen relationships. And when we let things go, we free ourselves. Unfortunately, we always find it easier to forgive others rather than to forgive ourselves. Today, give yourself permission to say, “I’m sorry!” For everything. Or anything.

2. Have Coffee With Someone

As humans, we need connection. This doesn’t have to be anything formal. Simply meet a friend and connect over coffee (virtually or in person, according to your comfort level). This doesn’t mean sit and chat about the weather, but take the conversation deeper where you can start to open up and get to know one another on a meaningful level. This type of connection feels good. 

3. Go for a Walk

We are not talking about going for a long walk or a fast-paced walk or even a jog. Simply strolling through your neighborhood or the park is a good way to get the blood flowing a little while breathing in fresh air, soaking up the vitamin D from the sun, and so on. A 10 or 15-minute walk is all you need to transform your day and breathe life into stagnation. 

4. Buy Yourself a Bouquet of Flowers

We all love flowers. There is no reason why we should ever wait for someone to bring us flowers. If having a fresh bouquet of flowers sitting on your dining room table makes you smile every time you see them, then buy the flowers. Treat yourself to this small indulgence. You deserve them and all the smiles they bring. 

5. Dance

In your room, turn on some feel-good music and dance. Let it out. Whether you want to waltz or booty shake, just let the music carry you away. Maybe even consider creating a playlist that is an instant mood-booster that you put on your headphones and go to town dancing. This can make you feel so good in so many ways. 

6. Read a Book

Reading is one of those peaceful things that are nearly always available to you, but not always on the top of our to-do list. If you are like most women, you have a list of books you would love to read, but never have the time, right? Make the time. Make it part of your self-care routine. Even if it means only reading one chapter a day or setting a timer and only reading for 10 minutes – do it. This even works really well when reading self-help books that can help you grow. 

Not much of a reader? No problem. Audiobooks are fantastic ways to get the benefits of a book without having to read!

7. Take a Bubble Bath

Escaping the real world some days sounds so enticing. But, let’s face it – it is not realistic. We can’t just disappear. Unless, you disappear in a bathtub full of bubbles! Light a candle, fill up the tub, turn the lights off, turn on some relaxing music, and soak. 

Let the hot water melt away all the heavy worries, burdens, and stresses you carry. 

8. Write an “It’s Done” List

When you write a list of all the things you have to do, life can suddenly feel so overwhelming. Even more than normal. Seeing those tasks in black and white is too much. So why not ditch the to-do list and start looking at the glass half full? 

Write an “it’s done” list of all the things you have accomplished. This might include tasks you have completed today or this week or it can be all the things you have already accomplished in life. 

9. Write Yourself a Love Letter

Keep a journal of letters to yourself. Spend a few minutes looking at yourself, your life, your day — and write yourself a love letter. Praise yourself for things you did and offer encouragement for things that maybe didn’t go so well. Keep it positive.

Do this regularly and watch how you become your biggest cheerleader. 

10. Turn Your Phone Off

Our phones can be so distracting. In fact, it is hard to even have thoughts to ourselves without hearing a chime or a ding notification. Turn your phone off or put it on “do not disturb” for an hour or so. No calls, no texts, no emails, no social media. Just enjoy the uninterrupted time. 

11. Watch the Sun Rise

Waking up early – when it is still dark outside – and watching the sun rise above the horizon with its breathtaking views can help, in some way, to bring perspective to life. It reminds us that the world is so much bigger – and that we are just a tiny little part of it. Our problems and struggles that we feel are enormous, are really not so big after all. 

And, if that isn’t a bit of self-care, then we don’t know what is. 

Try these tips for self-care or find some more on your own. Lots of people have ideas for engaging in self-care or you can choose something on your own that will make you feel good. The point is to find something and do it. Treating yourself well is one of the first steps toward finding whole-body wellness and balance in your life – and in recovery.