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Spirituality

What Is Suffering Good For? Practicing Care of The Soul

In Thomas Moore’s beautiful book, Care of The Soul, he suggests changing how we normally relate to suffering. He says that the whole question of finding fault is off point, and like all wrong questions, will get you the wrong answers.

Inquiries like “What mistake did I make?” “Who’s to blame for this suffering of mine?” “How can I get rid this?” and “How can I make sure I never have to go through this ever again?” are all, in a way, expressed in the wrong spirit. We are barking up the wrong tree and won’t find our missing kittens there.

Rather than expressing an attitude of care of the soul, these questions all reflect our culture’s bias against suffering – we have completely forgotten what it’s good for.

I love Thomas Moore’s point of view. He understands the fundamental quandary that those of us in recovery are in, once addiction sets us on our spiritual path. The quandary is exasperatingly, beautifully simple: sometimes our soul needs something that our ego doesn’t want.

The ego just wants to live on the surface of life, it wants to fit in, to be acceptable, to be approvable, to stay innocent. It wants success according to the template, according to what we’ve been taught to believe.

My ego believes what she reads on the internet – that it’s possible to just be healthy, wealthy, good looking, successful, surrounded by friends, and have a nice big house (end of story). Any failure to be like that means something is wrong.

From my ego’s point of view, all my symptoms – my depression, my low self-esteem, my acne, my struggles in marriage, my imperfect finances – all of these are inconveniences. Aberrations, things that shouldn’t be. Obstacles that stand between her and what she wants.

The bad news for my ego, which is good news for me, is that my soul wants something completely different. My soul doesn’t care about fitting in, about achieving someone else’s pre-defined and highly culturally dependent idea of what life is about. My soul is here to live, to grow, to expand, to experience, to have adventures.

What adventures? Who knows! I will find out if I let her breathe. My adventures will unfold in the moment and I likely won’t know what they are until they happen.

My soul is disconcertingly unconcerned with fitting in, has little interest in pleasing people who don’t match her vibrations. She has little time for status and the opinions of others, unless they are people in my true soul family.

I try to be kind to my ego, but I guess in the end, it’s clear to me whose side I’m on these days.

I relate this choice to side with soul over ego, if I can even call it a choice, to my recovery. People who don’t have disorders, or have never experienced “failing at life” the way that I have might still imagine they have the choice to live from ego. And maybe they do.

For those of us in recovery, however, it is my experience that we don’t live for our egos. We may still try everyday – I will give my ego credit for being nothing if not persistent – but it’s not sustainable. For some of us, at least, the doomed venture of trying to be what this world wants from us in place of who we were born to be isn’t really supported. For some of us, soul just wins.

So my choice, if there is one, is thwart or support. I have found it easier to support. My soul has a way of getting her way whether I thwart or support. The difference is how much pain for me – if I thwart, and try to build up too many structures of ego, my soul just sets fire to them. Supporting my ego against soul causes me so much suffering that I must give in to living more authentically one way or another. Suffering is that fire, my soul burning away the false within me so she has more room.

One way that soul communicates with me is through my symptoms, those same things that ego wishes weren’t there to begin with. This is one reason why the medical assumption that symptoms should be suppressed or taken away misses the point so heavily, in my opinion. The medical model is in bed with ego, it says, “Ok let’s get rid of this inconvenience” and crushes or rips out or medicates away the message that’s coming through from soul. I do feel that medication can be a blessing and a tool that supports a larger intention to honor soul, but it’s not always used in that way.

Care of the Soul says, “What is this suffering good for?” It says, “Why might soul need to be depressed right now? Maybe it needs time in the dark. Maybe depression is the only way for you to get into doing nothing for a while. Maybe the darkness of the void is what soul needs to birth her next creation.” Care of the Soul says, “What is this loneliness good for? Where does it lead me? What is trying to happen through me right now? Maybe soul has arranged for me to be alone tonight, so that I can finally meet a new aspect of my own self.”

Lately I have been playing with this shift in attitude, borrowed from Care of the Soul’s lovely perspective, and asking myself “What is this suffering good for?” I’ve been moved, pleased, and relieved by the answers. If you have answers of your own to share, about what your suffering is good for, we would always love to hear from you! Thanks for reading!

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Sustainable Recovery: Right Actions in Surrender-Based Spirituality

I have tripped and fallen many times over the same knotty root, that bulges up from time to time in the path of my sustainable recovery: how to find the right balance between action and non-action.

In some moments of pause I’ve reflected and concluded, “I see, it’s all about right action – right acting my way into right thinking!” (as the AA slogan goes). At other bends of the path, the truth seems to be the opposite. I find myself thinking that at the end of the day, the true success of recovery is nothing more than the simple-but-not-always-easy art of surrender. Not doing, not planning, not acting, but rather learning to receive – in the spirit of a bumper sticker I’ve seen and liked: Don’t just do something, sit there!

Normal people may have the dubious privilege of continuing to direct their lives from a mindset that favors self-directed and willful action over surrender. They might enjoy the (I would say illusion of) mastery, control, and dominance over their life’s unfoldment. People of this orientation may pride in being masters of their own destiny. But those of us in recovery, through the curious humbling awakener of addiction, have learned to be wary of the perils of running our lives from our small, limited, and at times, quite corrupted egos.

Living life from the ego, or the small self, doesn’t fit with sustainable recovery, and yet there are still times when, as I said, heroic, willful action is required, when it seems that we are being asked to battle, fight, and be strong to protect our recovery from the menacing return of a spirit of addiction, and to maybe take some of our destiny into our own hands. After all, God helps those who helps themselves, and so on.

I believe that both are true: Success in recovery hangs on the ability to move into action when everything is lined up for action, and sometimes we even need to get out the inner warrior and fight tooth and nail for our sobriety. At the same time, there are many spiritual rip tides which may overcome us, where the key to passing through them alive is to “let go and let God.” The question of when to take which actions, and in which spirit, probably perplexes many of us recovery sojourners as we pick our way along the path.

A metaphor I’ve been finding useful lately is to think of the relationship between a gardener and nature. Nature is the larger force, both kind and fierce, to whom the gardener is attuned, dedicated, and ultimately submissive. The thought of this relationship allows me to hold a conception of “right doing” that is anchored around being proactive about taking those actions which will actually facilitate and allow growth of recovery. In other words, to be like a nurturing, wise gardener who can feel through the rhythms of nature what actions are required, when.

In tune with the many messages of light, season, warmth, and the cycles of change, always taking her cues in surrender to the laws of nature, a good gardener is able to see that the window for action is now, and understands which type of action to take – is it time to prepare the soil, to add nutrients? Is it time to start seeds, to transplant, to thin? Is it time to water and wait, having patience and faith in spite of no outward sign of progress? Is it time to see that fruit is coming, and to do everything in the world to protect it against corroding forces? Is it time to harvest and share? Or is it time to accept that harvest is over for now – is it time to call something done and cut it back, bury it, let it rest and decompose?

With this mindset the question isn’t whether it’s me-generated action or total surrender that fits, but rather how I can join these – how can I, little me, take actions which arise from a larger surrender, in acknowledgement of the fact that I play only an assistant role to the life force within me that is driving my sustainable recovery. With this frame I see that recovery, like nature, grows on its own in spite of many obstacles, and was always there, growing, even when I was completely in its way. Imagine how much it might thrive if I don’t interfere, if I listen to it, if I align myself and my actions to it, instead of throwing myself against it.

There are actions which facilitate, support and enable the guiding spirit of our recovery, that life force to which we surrender our lives, to really have space to grow and expand here in this world. With this idea my job becomes simpler: it is to understand what my recovery needs every day, and in every season, and give that to my sustainable recovery.

What might my recovery need? Like organic life, my recovery needs a combination of things: exposure to sunlight, water, air, and nutrients in the right amount at the right time. Time overwintering in the dark, as well as time in warm moist nutritious soil. It needs different things at different times, depending on what’s going on in the environment around me as well as my own developmental stage.

A key ingredient for supporting our recovery is light, which may be analogous to how much exposure we are able to give ourselves to the “sunlight of the spirit”. How can we arrange our lives so that our recovery has enough transformative exposure to spirit? Can we go to meetings that have many spirit-filled old timers in them, can we listen to sacred music, read texts that open up the spirit inside us, expose ourselves to people and places that carry higher frequencies and vibrations? Are we placing our recovery enough in the light, or are we in the shadow of someone or something in or outside of us that blocks out our ability to receive?

Likewise, is there enough fluidity, succulence, and “wetness” in my recovery? Is there enough emotion, enough yin, enough female principle, or have I become too rigid, bossy, or dry in my approach? Action steps to support my sustainable recovery with enough “water principle” may include letting myself participate in yin yoga, tai chi, to be in and near water, to drink water, to learn from it, to allow myself to get slow and receptive enough to savor, to not be rushed.

Plants also need space and air – this may be analogous to the breath, and whether I am giving myself enough space. Am I letting my recovery “breathe”, do I let a gentle breeze touch its leaves, or am I in an overly stagnant, too-sequestered space? Or am I expecting myself to thrive in an overly challenging gale of forces my recovery is not rooted enough to withstand quite yet? Do I need more protection?

Am I nourished? Am I making sure that I add to, give increase to, give back to, and enrich my recovery, feeding my sustainable recovery nutrients which cause me to feel that I am satiated, that I have enough? Do I insist that I be around people and places that are genuinely nourishing, whatever that means to me?

Finally, do I let my recovery “overwinter” sometimes? Do I allow the death and decomposition principle to work in peace, to take from me that which is no longer vital and alive, which needs to be dropped off and allowed to become something which is fed back into the soil?

With a gardener’s mindset, I can focus on which actions will support the life of my recovery to thrive. Nourishing the ground of my recovery so that its roots are fed, defending the space around my recovery so that it can breathe, moisturizing the ground of my sustainable recovery so that it can grow succulent and supple, exposing myself to the sunlight of spirit, and finally, honoring the cycles of death and life, understanding that death of outdated and done parts of me and my life creates nutrients my recovery needs in order to continue to grow strong.
May these words be beneficial to you today.

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I Am Already All That I Need

I love this quote by Nisargadatta Maharaj. This is such a great reminder of how beautiful life can be if you live by these principals.

I used to have an attitude or belief that my problems were all that mattered. I was always thinking about my problems, my life, my wants, my needs, my stuff, my lack, my suffering, etc. I was very busy trying to get things to be the way I wanted them.. the way I thought they should be. I was always a victim and something was always happening to me! Everything that happened in life that didn’t fit with my set of personal preferences was a problem, so I had lots of problems. I had an attitude that I deserved a better life and it was not fair when things didn’t go my way. One of my frequently used phrases was “why does this always happen to ME?!!” All my bad choices and circumstances (alcohol, drugs, abusive relationships, etc)  were because somebody did me wrong, either in that instant or at some distant time in the past, and It wasn’t my fault!

Through my process of recovery, I was able to change my attitudes and beliefs and realize that most of my suffering was caused by my own self-importance and misguided sense of what life was all about. Once I started practicing yoga and meditation I started to see everything more clearly. I began to have the insight through the practice of self-inquiry, and I was able to see the truth in each situation and how my attitude about it could change everything! If I practiced having an attitude of gratitude, my life looked much better than if I had an attitude of entitlement. Slowly, I got down off my high horse and began to live more humbly. One of my favorite quotes is from Rick Warren’s book “The Purpose Driven Life” which says:  “Humility is not thinking less of yourself, it’s thinking of yourself less”. I found this to be profoundly true in my own life. I had been thinking about myself and my perceived problems constantly. I was making unimportant things important and leaving behind the most important things; like my children.

Once I began practicing humility, I became willing to see my own neurosis. The more I lived from this place of humility, the more real and honest I became, and the better I felt about myself. I had to stop pretending to be someone I was not and accept myself just the way I was, a train wreck, which would take a long time to clean up and get back on track.

Eventually, through continuing to practice gratitude and humility and by letting go of self-importance and entitlement, I began to see myself in a better light. I began to love the real me. I finally found the love that I had always been seeking, and it was right here inside me. I had been seeking love outside myself for decades, living the life of the “hungry ghost” that Gabor Mate talks about in his book about addiction and trauma. He describes the hungry ghost as “the domain of addiction, where we constantly seek something outside ourselves to curb an insatiable yearning for relief or fulfillment. The aching emptiness is perpetual because the substances, objects or pursuits we hope will soothe it are not what we really need.”

What I learned from my own experience is that what I really needed was to love and accept myself. Love is knowing I am everything…already! There is nothing I need to do, be, acquire, aspire to, perfect, etc. I just needed to be me, and love who I am. So now, years later, the train of my life is flowing pretty smoothly along the tracks to wherever life is taking me. The things I thought mattered most, the things I thought I had to GET in order to be HAPPY, I still don’t have them. Life still happens without concern for my list of preferences. Life is still life but I have changed my attitude about it. Now I practice acceptance and gratitude, which gives me FREEDOM from wishing that what has already happened were different than it is.

Now, instead of thinking about myself all the time, I think about how I can make a difference in the lives of others. How can I help another person find the love inside themselves? How can I help others to find FREEDOM from suffering?  How can I show up in a way that inspires and uplifts everyone I meet? Now I know that life is not about getting…It’s about loving and giving and connecting to others in a meaningful way. Turns out, if you align yourself with love and humility, life is beautiful, and you don’t need anything to make it so.

Wishing you all love and happiness!

Namaste

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Who Am I Really?

Who am I really? I am Consciousness. I am pure love, light and beauty. I am infinite and unknowable. I am the unmanifest experiencing the illusion of human form in order to know myself as love, as you, as the earth, as the sky, as the ocean, as the animals, as the stars, as the universe. All of this is the Divine Play of life. Life is amazing and beautiful.

Kay White is not just who I am. I am not just the Ego-self with the story that goes with that identity. That is just something I am making up as I go to help me “fit in” with society’s rules and expectations, but it is not who I am. No, this Ego person that I am making up has had many personalities and many different bodies over the decades. I had the 5-year-old body, the 12-year-old body, the 30-year-old body, and now I have the 50 something-year-old body. Each of these bodies had its own Ego. But throughout all of this, the consciousness, the pure awareness of being, has stayed the same. I have learned that I am not the circumstances of my life or the things and people I get attached to. If I make those things who I am, if I identify myself by these circumstances, then I will feel annihilated if I lose them.

I am not the voice in my head that tells me I am not good enough. That is just what the Mind does when it has been trained by society and implanted with false judgments, expectations and rules passed down from parents, teachers, communities, cultures, and religions. We don’t choose our beliefs, they are programmed into us depending on where and with whom we grew up. The Mind can be programmed to be your enemy. It can go against you your whole life if you let it. No, my Mind is not just who I am. I have the ability to separate myself from my Mind. 

This ability was not available to me before 5 years ago. I didn’t know about it yet. I had no spiritual life or beliefs. My life was painful because I was identified with my thoughts.  My thoughts were the brutal gatekeepers that kept me locked inside feeling hopeless, alone, ashamed and broken. I was constantly sitting in judgment of myself, and my belief system was programmed to make me suffer. I was a victim of my past and my thoughts about myself. I didn’t know that I was a powerful creator with my own Free Will that could be used to create beauty and love in my life instead of fear and self-doubt. I didn’t know that I could reprogram my Mind to see beyond the veil of illusion to the truth of who I am. No, I was lost in the fog of my Mind and could rarely see the beauty of life.

I learned to reprogram my Mind through the principles and teachings of Yoga and through the practice of meditation. Yoga is an 8-limbed path to self-realization. Anyone can learn and practice the path of Yoga. It is a step-by-step guide to reprogram and train the Mind to allow happiness and joy to come into your experience and to let go of all that negative bullshit you’ve been telling yourself. I learned to use my Mind to create and manifest positive emotions like love, joy, peace and contentment into my life. I can flow with life now instead of suffering it. There is no purpose for negative thoughts except to create fear and project it into an imaginary future situation that doesn’t exist. The daily practice of the Path of Yoga has taught me to live in the moment and focus on the good in each day, one day at a time.

I learned to control my emotions. I still have them and feel them, but they don’t take over my life. I can experience a wide range of emotions and then let them go. I do not have to judge myself and I do not have to judge others. If I slip into judgment, I recognize it immediately. I know it is a choice I made and I can choose not to do it. I no longer feel like a victim, I don’t feel sorry for myself, and I don’t blame others for any of the circumstances of my life. I left the old body and the story the Ego was telling, behind. I am not my thoughts and I am not my past circumstances. I am the conscious presence here in this moment writing these words and right now, I am happy, joyous, and free!

Yoga has given me choices. I can choose happiness now. I can choose love. I can choose forgiveness for myself and others. I am no longer programmed to be my own enemy. Now I am my best friend. I love me, I love life, and I love you. I love you because you are me. Yoga has helped me to see beyond the veil, beyond the illusion that we are all separate and we must compete to survive. There is nothing to get outside myself to make me lovable and acceptable. I just needed to look beyond the veil, to the truth of who I really am. When I got a glimpse of that magnificence, that undeniable truth, I loved myself instantly and I instantly knew that this was the truth for all beings. Yes, you and I are the same. If I can learn to love myself, so can you!

“The most important relationship in your life is the relationship you have with yourself”  ~ Diane Von Furstenberg

“You are searching the world for treasure but the real treasure is  yourself” ~ Rumi

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Yoga Is Not About Being Bendy

I knew nothing about yoga therapy five years ago. I started practicing in rehab at 48 years old with sciatica down both legs and degenerative disc disease in my back. Within a few months, I was healed. I can tell you countless stories of transformation by following this path. This thing called yoga is much more than being able to bend over and touch your toes (which, by the way, is not necessary). It transformed my body and mind and introduced me to my true Self. To my Soul. It taught me how to love myself and others. It taught me how to live. It taught me to believe in myself and become the woman I am meant to be. Yoga is a spiritual path to discover your Self! You don’t even need to do a single downward dog! The hardest thing about this practice is to show up for yourself every day. You don’t need to go to a yoga class for an hour and a half. You can get ideas and create your own practice by finding videos on YouTube or on Yoga Journal’s website. Practice your own breathing (pranayama), moving (asana) and meditation ritual for 20-30 minutes every day. This is when the magic happens. When it’s just YOU doing YOUR PRACTICE. It’s like a ceremony that is calling your best self into being. It will transform your life in ways you have never dreamed possible.

 

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Love Who You Are!

I love this quote, “Imagine a woman who Embodies Spirituality. A woman who Honors her body as the Sacred Temple of the Spirit of Life. Who breathes deeply as a prayer of gratitude for life itself. You are that woman.” It’s a reminder to tell myself, “Love who you are!” as much as I possibly can.

It is so amazing to look back on this journey I have been on over the past few years and see the amazing changes that have taken place. To know who I am and love who I am is a miracle in my life. I have a daily spiritual practice that connects me to this truth and to my deeply felt gratitude for knowing this truth. My daily ritual nourishes my body, mind, and spirit. It reminds me of the beauty and magic of life itself. My wish is for all women to know this truth…to feel this magic.

Namaste ~ The light in me sees and recognizes the light in you!

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Self-Love, Self-Respect and Self-Worth: The Keys to Happiness


 I spent decades looking outside myself for someone to love me, treat me with respect, and make me feel worthy, but because I didn’t love and respect myself, I attracted relationships that reinforced the lack of those things I was seeking. I spent many years in relationships that were not healthy; self-medicating with alcohol and drugs to numb the pain of not having Self-Love, Self-Respect, and Self-Worth. Of course, this only reinforced my thoughts and feelings of unworthiness. The proverbial vicious cycle.

I never found healthy love, respect or worth until I learned to love and respect my Self. The Self that I had never realized. The completely lovable Self residing deep in my heart. Through the discovery of this aspect of my being, came a complete transformation of my life.

If you don’t love your Self, it’s a thinking problem, a belief that you have agreed to. It’s all in your mind. You are judging yourself and condemning yourself. Or maybe you feel unlovable because of things that happened to you in your past and you feel like a victim of circumstances. Either way, it is a disconnection from the truth of who and what you really are. This is because the Ego self is ignorant of the truth. I learned to overcome the negative aspects of the Ego by spiritual practices such as yoga, breathwork, meditation, and studying spiritual philosophy. I found that you can learn to love yourself no matter what happened in the past. You can forgive yourself and others and overcome anything that is keeping you from being happy. You can let go of being the Judge and the Victim. I did! And I am just like you! We are the same, we are spiritual beings having a human experience. 

The reason we are here, having these experiences, is to transform. We are here to experience Self-Realization. To learn to love ourselves unconditionally. We can free ourselves from the mind (judge and victim) and become who we came here to be. We can discover our gift and begin to share that with the world. We can leave behind the negative thought processes and begin to vibrate a positive energy into our lives and the lives of those around us. When you discover the truth of who you are, you will no longer think you need people or things to “make” you happy. Happiness will come rushing into your life!

“Emancipate yourself from mental slavery, none but ourselves can free our minds” ~Bob Marley

“You don’t attract what you want, you attract what you are.” 
“You must be what it is that you are seeking- that is, you need to put forth what you want to attract.” ~Wayne Dyer

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How Anita Moorjani’s “Dying to Be Me” Helped Me Rediscover Myself

“If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change” ~Wayne Dyer

I was lucky to see world-renowed author Wayne Dyer speak at Wanderlust Festival in Lake Tahoe shortly after I got sober. During his talk he suggested the book, “Dying To Be Me” by Anita Moorjani. This memoir about Anita Moorjani’s experience during a very struggling time in her life which she was close to dying lead to a resilient realization of her inherent self-worth. This incredible story had a major impact on the way I see myself and the world. I was healed from most of my fears after reading it, especially the major fears that most of us share, like the fear of death or the fear of what other people think of me. Anita’s message helped me see clearly that I am a Spirit embodied and that I am full of potential to manifest whatever I choose to become in this lifetime.

I knew that I was much more than I had ever believed I was. It empowered me to be courageous and take on life in a new way. I learned to love myself for who I am now and stop waiting until someday when I accomplish all the things that I thought would make me lovable. I changed the way I look at things, and the things I looked at changed! I highly recommend Anita Moorjani’s book to all of my friends, clients, and colleagues. Wayne Dyer recommended it to, “anyone who is ever going to die.”

 

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15 Ways Yoga Can Heal Your Life!

Studies have shown that the spiritual practices of yoga, meditation, deep relaxation and controlled breathing exercises can increase the effectiveness of drug and alcohol treatment programs by helping us to connect to a power greater than ourselves. 

Here is a list of some of the proven benefits of yoga:

Reduces feelings of depression
Calms feelings of anxiety
Reduces stress and tension
Develops greater self-awareness
Calms compulsive thinking
Improves self-esteem and sense of wellbeing
Promotes better sleep habits
Improves mental function, including memory and cognitive function
Regulates endocrine, nervous, circulatory and respiratory systems
Boosts immune system
Improves organ function
Supports healthy digestive system
Healthier heart and blood vessels
Increases strength, firms and tones muscles
Improves posture

I know this is true because I experienced all of these myself within the first few months of daily practice. These practices healed my body, my mind, and my life!

Peace & Blessings,

Kay

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“I Found God in Myself and I Loved Her…I Loved Her Fiercely” – Ntozake Shange

I came across this quote recently and it resonated with me.  I felt so blessed that it did! Now that this rings true for me, I see how in the past I had no eyes to see these words. “I Found God in Myself and I loved her…I loved her fiercely.” This quote would have meant nothing to me and I would not have even noticed it. Loving myself was not even in my vocabulary before I got sober and transformed my life.

I now know that my relationship with myself is the most important one I will ever have.  I used to think I needed to find a man and get into a relationship in order to be happy.  All those relationships just made me more unhappy.  Then I would drink and use drugs to self-medicate my misery or to mask the pain and pretend I was having “fun”.  I would stay in those bad relationships endlessly because I felt so worthless and afraid to be alone.  I never found what I was seeking because I was always looking outside myself for something to, “make me happy”.

After getting sober I began working on healing myself and my life.  I discovered yoga and meditation and began practicing several times a week.  Yoga teaches the 8 limbed path to enlightenment, beginning with the Yamas & Niyamas which are ethical ways of living and being in the world.  These practices began to change things in me.  I began to feel better in so many ways.  I began to like myself more and my body and mind began to heal.

The practices helped me connect to a deeper meaning in life.  I began to see myself as a spiritual being having a human experience.  The more I practiced and looked within my own heart, the more I felt the power of my Soul.  As my mind and body changed, I felt a deeper connection to the Earth and to all beings.  My love for myself and for life grew and grew until I felt a happiness that I never thought possible.

I sincerely hope that all of you who are struggling with similar issues will give this path a try.  Do some research about what yoga is.  There is a movie called “Yoga Is” that you can stream on Amazon that explains a lot.  I know many people who have transformed their lives through this practice.  I also went to rehab and sober living, which helped, but the transformation came through yoga and meditation.  I wish you all a future being, “happy, joyous, and free”!

Namaste

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