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Who Am I Really?

Who am I really? I am Consciousness. I am pure love, light and beauty. I am infinite and unknowable. I am the unmanifest experiencing the illusion of human form in order to know myself as love, as you, as the earth, as the sky, as the ocean, as the animals, as the stars, as the universe. All of this is the Divine Play of life. Life is amazing and beautiful.

Kay White is not just who I am. I am not just the Ego-self with the story that goes with that identity. That is just something I am making up as I go to help me “fit in” with society’s rules and expectations, but it is not who I am. No, this Ego person that I am making up has had many personalities and many different bodies over the decades. I had the 5-year-old body, the 12-year-old body, the 30-year-old body, and now I have the 50 something-year-old body. Each of these bodies had its own Ego. But throughout all of this, the consciousness, the pure awareness of being, has stayed the same. I have learned that I am not the circumstances of my life or the things and people I get attached to. If I make those things who I am, if I identify myself by these circumstances, then I will feel annihilated if I lose them.

I am not the voice in my head that tells me I am not good enough. That is just what the Mind does when it has been trained by society and implanted with false judgments, expectations and rules passed down from parents, teachers, communities, cultures, and religions. We don’t choose our beliefs, they are programmed into us depending on where and with whom we grew up. The Mind can be programmed to be your enemy. It can go against you your whole life if you let it. No, my Mind is not just who I am. I have the ability to separate myself from my Mind. 

This ability was not available to me before 5 years ago. I didn’t know about it yet. I had no spiritual life or beliefs. My life was painful because I was identified with my thoughts.  My thoughts were the brutal gatekeepers that kept me locked inside feeling hopeless, alone, ashamed and broken. I was constantly sitting in judgment of myself, and my belief system was programmed to make me suffer. I was a victim of my past and my thoughts about myself. I didn’t know that I was a powerful creator with my own Free Will that could be used to create beauty and love in my life instead of fear and self-doubt. I didn’t know that I could reprogram my Mind to see beyond the veil of illusion to the truth of who I am. No, I was lost in the fog of my Mind and could rarely see the beauty of life.

I learned to reprogram my Mind through the principles and teachings of Yoga and through the practice of meditation. Yoga is an 8-limbed path to self-realization. Anyone can learn and practice the path of Yoga. It is a step-by-step guide to reprogram and train the Mind to allow happiness and joy to come into your experience and to let go of all that negative bullshit you’ve been telling yourself. I learned to use my Mind to create and manifest positive emotions like love, joy, peace and contentment into my life. I can flow with life now instead of suffering it. There is no purpose for negative thoughts except to create fear and project it into an imaginary future situation that doesn’t exist. The daily practice of the Path of Yoga has taught me to live in the moment and focus on the good in each day, one day at a time.

I learned to control my emotions. I still have them and feel them, but they don’t take over my life. I can experience a wide range of emotions and then let them go. I do not have to judge myself and I do not have to judge others. If I slip into judgment, I recognize it immediately. I know it is a choice I made and I can choose not to do it. I no longer feel like a victim, I don’t feel sorry for myself, and I don’t blame others for any of the circumstances of my life. I left the old body and the story the Ego was telling, behind. I am not my thoughts and I am not my past circumstances. I am the conscious presence here in this moment writing these words and right now, I am happy, joyous, and free!

Yoga has given me choices. I can choose happiness now. I can choose love. I can choose forgiveness for myself and others. I am no longer programmed to be my own enemy. Now I am my best friend. I love me, I love life, and I love you. I love you because you are me. Yoga has helped me to see beyond the veil, beyond the illusion that we are all separate and we must compete to survive. There is nothing to get outside myself to make me lovable and acceptable. I just needed to look beyond the veil, to the truth of who I really am. When I got a glimpse of that magnificence, that undeniable truth, I loved myself instantly and I instantly knew that this was the truth for all beings. Yes, you and I are the same. If I can learn to love myself, so can you!

“The most important relationship in your life is the relationship you have with yourself”  ~ Diane Von Furstenberg

“You are searching the world for treasure but the real treasure is  yourself” ~ Rumi

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Yoga Is Not About Being Bendy

I knew nothing about yoga therapy five years ago. I started practicing in rehab at 48 years old with sciatica down both legs and degenerative disc disease in my back. Within a few months, I was healed. I can tell you countless stories of transformation by following this path. This thing called yoga is much more than being able to bend over and touch your toes (which, by the way, is not necessary). It transformed my body and mind and introduced me to my true Self. To my Soul. It taught me how to love myself and others. It taught me how to live. It taught me to believe in myself and become the woman I am meant to be. Yoga is a spiritual path to discover your Self! You don’t even need to do a single downward dog! The hardest thing about this practice is to show up for yourself every day. You don’t need to go to a yoga class for an hour and a half. You can get ideas and create your own practice by finding videos on YouTube or on Yoga Journal’s website. Practice your own breathing (pranayama), moving (asana) and meditation ritual for 20-30 minutes every day. This is when the magic happens. When it’s just YOU doing YOUR PRACTICE. It’s like a ceremony that is calling your best self into being. It will transform your life in ways you have never dreamed possible.

 

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Love Who You Are!

I love this quote, “Imagine a woman who Embodies Spirituality. A woman who Honors her body as the Sacred Temple of the Spirit of Life. Who breathes deeply as a prayer of gratitude for life itself. You are that woman.” It’s a reminder to tell myself, “Love who you are!” as much as I possibly can.

It is so amazing to look back on this journey I have been on over the past few years and see the amazing changes that have taken place. To know who I am and love who I am is a miracle in my life. I have a daily spiritual practice that connects me to this truth and to my deeply felt gratitude for knowing this truth. My daily ritual nourishes my body, mind, and spirit. It reminds me of the beauty and magic of life itself. My wish is for all women to know this truth…to feel this magic.

Namaste ~ The light in me sees and recognizes the light in you!

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Self-Love, Self-Respect and Self-Worth: The Keys to Happiness


 I spent decades looking outside myself for someone to love me, treat me with respect, and make me feel worthy, but because I didn’t love and respect myself, I attracted relationships that reinforced the lack of those things I was seeking. I spent many years in relationships that were not healthy; self-medicating with alcohol and drugs to numb the pain of not having Self-Love, Self-Respect, and Self-Worth. Of course, this only reinforced my thoughts and feelings of unworthiness. The proverbial vicious cycle.

I never found healthy love, respect or worth until I learned to love and respect my Self. The Self that I had never realized. The completely lovable Self residing deep in my heart. Through the discovery of this aspect of my being, came a complete transformation of my life.

If you don’t love your Self, it’s a thinking problem, a belief that you have agreed to. It’s all in your mind. You are judging yourself and condemning yourself. Or maybe you feel unlovable because of things that happened to you in your past and you feel like a victim of circumstances. Either way, it is a disconnection from the truth of who and what you really are. This is because the Ego self is ignorant of the truth. I learned to overcome the negative aspects of the Ego by spiritual practices such as yoga, breathwork, meditation, and studying spiritual philosophy. I found that you can learn to love yourself no matter what happened in the past. You can forgive yourself and others and overcome anything that is keeping you from being happy. You can let go of being the Judge and the Victim. I did! And I am just like you! We are the same, we are spiritual beings having a human experience. 

The reason we are here, having these experiences, is to transform. We are here to experience Self-Realization. To learn to love ourselves unconditionally. We can free ourselves from the mind (judge and victim) and become who we came here to be. We can discover our gift and begin to share that with the world. We can leave behind the negative thought processes and begin to vibrate a positive energy into our lives and the lives of those around us. When you discover the truth of who you are, you will no longer think you need people or things to “make” you happy. Happiness will come rushing into your life!

“Emancipate yourself from mental slavery, none but ourselves can free our minds” ~Bob Marley

“You don’t attract what you want, you attract what you are.” 
“You must be what it is that you are seeking- that is, you need to put forth what you want to attract.” ~Wayne Dyer

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How Anita Moorjani’s “Dying to Be Me” Helped Me Rediscover Myself

“If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change” ~Wayne Dyer

I was lucky to see world-renowed author Wayne Dyer speak at Wanderlust Festival in Lake Tahoe shortly after I got sober. During his talk he suggested the book, “Dying To Be Me” by Anita Moorjani. This memoir about Anita Moorjani’s experience during a very struggling time in her life which she was close to dying lead to a resilient realization of her inherent self-worth. This incredible story had a major impact on the way I see myself and the world. I was healed from most of my fears after reading it, especially the major fears that most of us share, like the fear of death or the fear of what other people think of me. Anita’s message helped me see clearly that I am a Spirit embodied and that I am full of potential to manifest whatever I choose to become in this lifetime.

I knew that I was much more than I had ever believed I was. It empowered me to be courageous and take on life in a new way. I learned to love myself for who I am now and stop waiting until someday when I accomplish all the things that I thought would make me lovable. I changed the way I look at things, and the things I looked at changed! I highly recommend Anita Moorjani’s book to all of my friends, clients, and colleagues. Wayne Dyer recommended it to, “anyone who is ever going to die.”

 

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15 Ways Yoga Can Heal Your Life!

Studies have shown that the spiritual practices of yoga, meditation, deep relaxation and controlled breathing exercises can increase the effectiveness of drug and alcohol treatment programs by helping us to connect to a power greater than ourselves. 

Here is a list of some of the proven benefits of yoga:

Reduces feelings of depression
Calms feelings of anxiety
Reduces stress and tension
Develops greater self-awareness
Calms compulsive thinking
Improves self-esteem and sense of wellbeing
Promotes better sleep habits
Improves mental function, including memory and cognitive function
Regulates endocrine, nervous, circulatory and respiratory systems
Boosts immune system
Improves organ function
Supports healthy digestive system
Healthier heart and blood vessels
Increases strength, firms and tones muscles
Improves posture

I know this is true because I experienced all of these myself within the first few months of daily practice. These practices healed my body, my mind, and my life!

Peace & Blessings,

Kay

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“I Found God in Myself and I Loved Her…I Loved Her Fiercely” – Ntozake Shange

I came across this quote recently and it resonated with me.  I felt so blessed that it did! Now that this rings true for me, I see how in the past I had no eyes to see these words. “I Found God in Myself and I loved her…I loved her fiercely.” This quote would have meant nothing to me and I would not have even noticed it. Loving myself was not even in my vocabulary before I got sober and transformed my life.

I now know that my relationship with myself is the most important one I will ever have.  I used to think I needed to find a man and get into a relationship in order to be happy.  All those relationships just made me more unhappy.  Then I would drink and use drugs to self-medicate my misery or to mask the pain and pretend I was having “fun”.  I would stay in those bad relationships endlessly because I felt so worthless and afraid to be alone.  I never found what I was seeking because I was always looking outside myself for something to, “make me happy”.

After getting sober I began working on healing myself and my life.  I discovered yoga and meditation and began practicing several times a week.  Yoga teaches the 8 limbed path to enlightenment, beginning with the Yamas & Niyamas which are ethical ways of living and being in the world.  These practices began to change things in me.  I began to feel better in so many ways.  I began to like myself more and my body and mind began to heal.

The practices helped me connect to a deeper meaning in life.  I began to see myself as a spiritual being having a human experience.  The more I practiced and looked within my own heart, the more I felt the power of my Soul.  As my mind and body changed, I felt a deeper connection to the Earth and to all beings.  My love for myself and for life grew and grew until I felt a happiness that I never thought possible.

I sincerely hope that all of you who are struggling with similar issues will give this path a try.  Do some research about what yoga is.  There is a movie called “Yoga Is” that you can stream on Amazon that explains a lot.  I know many people who have transformed their lives through this practice.  I also went to rehab and sober living, which helped, but the transformation came through yoga and meditation.  I wish you all a future being, “happy, joyous, and free”!

Namaste

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How I Learned to Train My Mind to be Present and Banish all Negativity

I used to suffer from an extreme sense of impending doom.  I was either worrying about the future or I was filled with self-judgement and shame about the past.  I was never at peace.  I didn’t even know that peace was a possible state of mind.  I learned that through the practice of yoga and meditation, I can train my mind to dwell in the reality of my life, not the story that my mind was repeating to me over and over, ad nauseam.  

Immediately upon getting sober, reality set in, and all of the pain that I had been avoiding through self-medicating hit me like a freight train.  I was plunged into all the feelings I had been trying to keep myself from feeling or even acknowledging.  Intense regret, remorse, self-hatred, shame, and despair took over my thoughts.  All I wanted was relief from these thoughts and feelings but I knew my old ways of coping didn’t work for me anymore. 

I began learning how to train my mind by practicing yoga and meditation several times a week.  I found that during these practices I felt more calm and peaceful than any other time of the day.  I began studying the principals and philosophy of the ancient yogic teachings and adopted them as a new way of living my life. The teachings gave me a new perspective to see life from.  I learned how to dwell in the present moment, not the past or the future.

I also took an online course called “Innner Engineering” from a indian mystic named Sadhguru which really help train my mind and got me started down the path to healing my life. Then I learned to train my mind and redirect my thinking by reading books and listening to audio CD’s while driving in my car.  The one’s that helped me the most are Eckhart Tolle’s “The Power of Now” and “The New Earth”, Wayne Dyer’s “The Power of Intention”, Michael Singer’s “The Untethered Soul”, and Anita Moorjani’s “Dying to be Me”.

These teachers showed me the way to freedom from the constant barrage of negative thinking that had been my life long habit.  Through these teachings and through the practice of yoga and meditation, I now live in a completely different world from the one I used to live in.  I am able to take life on life’s terms and enjoy it.  I love my life now! Even though I don’t have everything I want, I am grateful for my most precious gift…Peace of mind!

I will leave you with one of my favorite quotes from Eckhart Tolle:

“Are you worried? Do you have many ‘what if’ thoughts? You are identified with your mind, which is projecting itself into an imaginary future situation and creating fear.  There is no way you can cope with such a situation, because it doesn’t exist. It’s a mental phantom.”

Remember…you are creating your future with your thoughts today, so make them good thoughts!!

Peace & Many Blessings,

Kay

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What If You Could Heal Your Life With Food?

 I grew up on Hamburger Helper, instant mashed potatoes and canned green beans. My favorite beverage was Diet Coke. My mother was a victim of the convenience food epidemic and our kitchen was loaded with processed foods.  It wasn’t until high school that I discovered food that doesn’t necessarily come in a box or a can. I was also raised eating tons of meat, dairy and sugar.  McDonalds was my comfort food.  Almost every day, up until I was 48 years old, I would crave a Hamburger Happy Meal for lunch! I believed, because I didn’t know any better, that it wasn’t a “meal” unless it included meat and dairy. I ate this way most of my life and didn’t even question it until I was at a point where my health and life had crumbled around me and I couldn’t go on anymore. 

After years of suffering through a completely dysfunctional existence, I finally decided to check into rehab and get sober. I had no idea how much that decision was going to change everything about my life.  My depression fluctuated from mild to severe with occasional suicidal ideation since I was 17.  I also suffered from low self-esteem, guilt, shame, co-dependency and love addiction. My health was deteriorating and I severe back pain, joint pain, and sciatica down both legs. I had been self-medicating for three decades using alcohol, marijuana and cigarettes.

After going to a 30-day treatment program and getting sober, I started practicing yoga and meditation and studying how food played a role in my mental and physical health. I found top biochemists, nutritionists, and naturopathic medicine doctors that taught me how to use food as medicine and to eat to be healthy, not to satisfy cravings. I had stopped eating processed foods and started eating a healthy whole foods diet.  Within months, all of my body pain left me and so did the depression.

New studies by neuroscientists now show that when it comes to your mental health, your behavior, and even your mood, it may not be the brain calling the shots; it may be your gut that’s in charge. Now there is hard evidence linking conditions such as debilitating stress, anxiety and depression to the gut’s microbial residents, known as the microbiome. Scientists are now finding that the bacteria in the intestines have a major impact on our state of mind.  Your gut bacteria produce neurotransmitters that communicate with the brain by sending information that affects your wellbeing.  Therefore, your mental health is very much dependent on the healthy microbes in your gut.

Researchers have shown that there is a dynamic interaction between your gut, your brain, and your immune system and that in order to maintain overall health of your whole being, you must have healthy gut bacteria.  In order to ensure your gut is healthy, avoiding processed foods and foods high in sugar and fructose is essential.  Sugars and especially processed sweeteners such as high fructose corn syrup feed the harmful bacteria and throw off the balance of the gut’s microflora.  This can weaken the immune system and cause a variety of health problems, both physical and mental.

Some of the warning signs that your gut flora is off manifest as subtle forms of depression such as irritability, hostility, extreme fatigue, inability to concentrate, withdrawing from loved ones, perfectionism, guilty feelings, and self-medicating with alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, food, and other addictions.

Researchers have discovered that dietary changes can be used as the sole treatment for these mood disorders. One study found that women who regularly consumed foods containing probiotics (such as the bacteria in yogurt) or fermented foods, showed improved brain function and relief of symptoms compared to those who did not consume the probiotics.  The study showed that this significantly affected the parts of the brain that control the processing of emotion and sensation.

The healthy bacteria in your gut are vulnerable to your diet and lifestyle and can be harmed by the foods you choose to eat and use of household chemicals. Some of these that are the most harmful are conventionally raised meats and other animal products that come from animals that have been fed genetically modified grains and have been injected with antibiotics (which includes all factory farmed meats and dairy). Processed foods, sugars, processed sweeteners and food grown with pesticides also harms the health of your gut bacteria. Hand sanitizers and antibacterial soaps should also be avoided.

One of the most natural ways to begin to heal mentally and physically is to eat a healthy diet that supports healthy gut bacteria.  At Villa Kali Ma we provide our clients with a healthy diet of delicious and nutritious organic foods to support the healing of the whole person: body, mind, and spirit. We teach our clients how to live a balanced life in harmony with how nature intended.  Women learn how to shop, plan and cook healthy meals that support their mental and physical wellbeing. I know that this works because I suffered for three decades and healed in just a few months by the same methods we teach here at Villa Kali Ma.  This is not difficult to do because the food is delicious and you will feel so much better physically and mentally that you won’t want to go back to your old habits.

Peace, love, and many blessings,

Kay

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What You’re Looking for Is Already Inside You!

“I can tell you that what you’re looking for is already inside you.” What an amazing quote. This is what I discovered after getting sober. I had been looking for something to make me happy all my life. I tried to find happiness in things, people, places, and partying. Those things always eventually ended in pain and misery. I finally found peace, joy, and contentment when I stopped looking for it outside myself. I discovered true happiness through a connection to my spirit, my higher self, my soul. Once I began to have a loving relationship with my own soul, my whole life healed.

So quit searching outside. Quiet the mind and look within. What you’re looking for is already inside you. You already have it, you just don’t know it yet!

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