Category: General

We know that the present moment is where the good stuff is. As gilded as our fantasies may be, and as rose-tinted our past, true deep body satisfaction is a now-moment experience. There is a deliciousness, a ripeness to having our sense experiences bloom in our awareness right here, right now. 

That’s part of why we practice mindfulness, why we try not to miss our lives while they happen. You could say it’s the goal of all healing work, to free ourselves from ruminating about a moment we already lived through. Released from unresolved feelings belonging to things that happened long ago, we don’t have to squander our creative fortunes envisioning terrible futures, either. 

We gradually become free to live life deeply and fully in the now. 

Shifting Neuroception

Like many people with trauma patterning, I personally have found that “just” being present is easier said than done, for a thousand reasons. I always appreciate, therefore, tricks that work at the biological level to help us shift our state of neuroception gently, from fight-flight-freeze-appease states back into presence.

These gentle paths into presence create subtle but palpable sensations of safety and pleasure in the body. This is even more important than it sounds! When the body feels good, we naturally open the aperture of our senses, and become patient, calm, creatively receptive, lively, loving, and at ease.   

The 5-4-3-2-1 Tool

The 5-4-3-2-1 tool is a technique for rapid orientation into the now moment. The simple and quick process goes as follows: look around the room and identify five sights, naming them out loud as you see them. 

I see my desk lamp, a blanket crumpled up on the couch, my ukulele, a pencil, and a tree outside my window.

Now do the same with four sounds, then three physical sensations, two scents, and finally one taste. 

Tastes and if smells can be imagined if nothing is around, though often people will be able, if they focus to pay closer attention, to identify something like “the lingering taste of orange juice on my tongue”, and find aromas like the smell of their own shampoo in their hair or the scent of soap on their hands.

Just sensing and naming sense perceptions works very quickly and well to break the spell of being “somewhere else”. However, more fun can be had with three small variations, if you want to sink deeper into your senses!

Three Variations of the 5-4-3-2-1 Tool

I. Slow it Down & Add Details. Make the 5-4-3-2-1 experience even richer by slowing down and lingering on each thing for a moment to take in and describe the qualities of what we’re looking at.

I see the desk lamp over there, and that the lampshade is made out of dusty rose-colored fabric printed with small birds. The body of the lamp itself is white with little blue designs on it, it looks like it might be made out of china. It looks smooth but also a little uneven, and it’s gleaming softly in the cold silvery light coming from the window.

II. Turn it into a Journaling Exercise. Turn the 5-4-3-2-1 tool into a writing exercise, in which you imagine things in each category rather than observing. Technically, this takes you out of your current now moment, but by summoning up sense memories you are connecting with your organs of now-moment awareness, which feels wonderful. I have found that using imagination in this way shifts your state of neuroception, and you will get the same result of finding yourself sensing your environment more richly in the now. 

List 12 things you love in each sense category: sights, sounds, touch sensations, scents, and tastes you love. For example, in the smell category I love: 

1. The smell on my hands after picking lemons from the tree at my mother’s house
2. the smell of long golden grass that’s just been dampened with a light rain 
3. the smell of wild bay leaves when I pick one and crush it between my fingers when I’m on a hike 

III. Create Sense Effects.  In this variation, deliberately create sense effects in each category, getting up and moving around your entire house, if necessary, to find things. 

In the sights category, see if you can create visual contrasts or juxtapositions that interest you. Be curious. 

When I move my head closer to my teacup and peer in, the window of light that was reflected in my tea disappears. 

Look for aromas (kitchen and bathroom are good places to look): Ceylon cinnamon, this jasmine tea my Dad brought me from his trip to China, my husband’s toothpaste that smells sharp and clean and sparkly.

The sounds channel is especially fun:

My ceramic salad bowl makes a perfect G note like a gong when you strike it with a wooden spoon. 

And the physical sensations are an especial delight, when you look for sensations that feel interesting or pleasant: 

I like the feeling of my placing my palms flat on my cold, smooth wooden desk.  

Have fun, and may you enjoy your rich, sumptuous Now. 

This post is part of a series of modern love letters to the 12 Steps. To start at the very beginning, read To Whom We Owe Our Recovery: Modern Love Letters to the Twelve Steps. 

In Step One we acknowledge our powerlessness over addiction. But the steps don’t leave us there, at the bottom of the stairway to heaven! This is just the beginning. Onward, dear friends, to Step Two, in which we recover hope.

Dear Step Two, 

You read as follows: “We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.”

Step Two, my dear friend, I will always love you deeply. You bloomed out of a tender, aching spot, and I still feel soft where you bloomed. Through the delicate, exquisite portal of vulnerability you come riding in. A rainbow energy, a pleasant field of light, a fragrance, a radiance. 

Step Two, with you I relax into a longing I’ve always had, which is to believe, on a very profound level, that everything is ok, including me. You come into this world through the defeat of the ego, that armor against love, and you surround us with peace, you gather us up into your warmth.

Step Two says, it’s going to be OK. There is a solution. There is a cure. We will have to learn to collaborate with this cure. We will need to learn respect and humility as we relate to what is fathomless and beautiful within us. We will need to change our perceptions, our understanding, to contain a new paradigm, in which there is a benevolent force who can extinguish the fires of our personal hells, if only we are willing to turn to it. 

Every day across every platform, the world is pumped full of fear and judgment. We are taught so many things to be afraid of. Whether we fear what lurks within ourselves, or experience our terrors as coming at us from “out there”, we are encouraged to live our earthly lives as though fear is king. Fear, we are taught, will keep us safe. 

Never mind that fear also makes live in a degraded state, as a little, faint shadow of our human potential. Never mind that fear got us where we are now, which is powerless over a cunning, baffling, and powerful disease that corrodes mind, body and soul. 

Step Two, you are the beginning of the end of fear. The entire notion of “a power greater than ourselves” tells us, maybe this endless management project, of trying to be different from what we actually are in our innermost nature, or else we will suffer terrible consequences, doesn’t need to be undergone at all. 

Through you, dear Step Two, I can glimpse the land beyond.

In Step One we were forced to surrender. Yes, against our will. The ego, like a bankrobber, surrounded at last, with his back against a cliff, said “Ok, it’s true, I can’t manage my addiction, I have lost control, I admit it.” 

And in the willingness to give up addiction and all its pleasures – at last seen for what they are – diminishing highs followed by increasingly deadly lows – we are released into a spiritual life. 

My beloved Step Two, right after these dramatic events, these defeats, the phantom death of a phantom self, you are right there to offer a hand, to bring a warm blanket, to lay a fever-drawing hand on our foreheads, to draw out the poisons. 

Thank you God that my Self is not all there is. That there is an infinity beyond me, a freshness and a source that knows no death, is not confined or contained in that which I know. Thank you God that I can always open up the hatch on the roof of my universe, and find your loving face right there, ready to respond to anything I might ask. 

Thank you that you are gigantic, and that therefore it is ok that I am so small in this big world. Thank you that belief, in and of itself, has its purpose and meaning. Beliefs are powerful, and world-building, life-creating. If I believe that a power greater than myself can restore me to sanity, then this is possible. If I do not believe it is possible, it might still be possible outside of my universe, but it will have a hard time reaching me.  

So thank you, Step Two, for making this bridge, this opening, this spaciousness. For reminding me that when I look left, right, front and back and see no possibilities, I can always look up. Or look inside, where the source of everything is. 

Much love, 

Me

Shame is at the core of addiction. As much as it can seem that our addiction is why we feel shame, in actuality shame almost always precedes addiction.

People with addictions tend to come from families soaked with toxic shame. There is such a thing as healthy shame, when it belongs to a specific event and can be completed and released. It’s ok to be ashamed of how you behaved once in a while. 

However, the shame most of us struggle with is chronic, ongoing, and unhealed- a wound that festers perennially inside our psyches. The problem with this kind of shame is that it connects into our sense of who we are. Toxic shame has a sense of “I am” in it.

Shame and Belonging

Shame is related to belonging. In order to feel all right psychologically, we need a good enough sense of belonging to the group of humans upon whom we depend for love and survival. 

The trouble is that our right to belonging can be threatened in a variety of ways – whenever banishment, exclusion, or rejection are on the table. It’s important to understand that loss of love and belonging signals death, and we feel it as a threat to our lives when our belonging is at stake.

Many of us underwent traumatic experiences that caused us to conclude something about us was so bad as to make us undeserving of the love and belonging that we need in order to survive. This places us under enormous strain. 

Shame Fosters Addiction

Shame pushes us to develop patterns of avoidance of reliving our intensely scary experiences. While understandable, avoidance also traps the shame energies in the body, and shame becomes a fetid, stagnant pool, never able to drain. 

The effect of this on the psyche is to haunt us – at any moment we can plunge fully into the experience of shame, feeling that badness, unworthiness, and disconnection from life. Shame is so overwhelming to the human psyche that when it’s globalized like that and it’s all we can feel, we’ll do almost anything to change that feeling state. This is where our drug of choice comes in to “help” us. 

The other thing to understand is that shame is a side-effect of trauma. If you have a lot of shame, that’s not because you’re actually especially shameful, but rather it means you have survived an above-average level of abuse.

Recovering from Shame

When we get into recovery, we have to heal our shame or we might not be able to stay sober. Left unhealed, shame binds us to the past, to bad behaviors, to situations and people who are not good for us. 

Healing shame, thank goodness, is totally possible. The solution to shame is other people. Safe, loving people who can hear what our shame tells us, who also know what shame is and what it feels like, and who can serve in the role of witness to us to hear our stories. People who can hear what it is that we believe makes us so terrible, and yet who do not buy into our stories of unworthiness. 

Typically when we are able to share our shame stories out loud with a loving other, we will start to feel better almost right away, as the healing light of another person’s safe loving presence will immediately begin to dry out the shame. In the presence of love, shame evaporates like a puddle of water in the sun. Shame is distilled, purified away, by the clean searing heat of neutral acceptance. 

Unconditional Acceptance as an Antidote to Shame

Through this process we discover that healing shame lies not in what exactly we did or did not do, but rather in the mindset shift that no matter what we do, nothing can make a human being worth less than the infinite preciousness that we are. This unconditionality, the truth that humans are not defined nor summed up by any experience we may have endured, is where the healing is.  

The good news in all of this is that the path of recovery will gradually lead us to reclaim our inherent innocence and worth, as we cast off the burdens we have been carrying. The secrets of our wounded families, of the ways we were treated, of what we accepted because we had to in order to get the love we needed to survive, how we replicated those patterns with others, the way abuse lived on in us helplessly – all of these fall away as shame is healed. 

When we can at last deeply forgive ourselves, once and for all, we become grateful for the funny, bittersweet role that addiction has played in restoring us to ourselves. And in leading us first to our shame, addiction ultimately leads us home. 

Everywhere we look, we see evidence of the fact that some maladies of the human heart are best cured by groups. What is the secret power of the human gathering?

From self-led recovery circles like Alcoholics Anonymous to stories of delinquent youth finding purpose through team sports, from adults finding joy in community theater and amateur choirs to bodily healing taking place through group prayer– it is clear that in the right circumstances, humans are able to access deeper dimensions of wellbeing through groups than without them. 

Perhaps it’s because we are wired at deep biological levels for group belonging, like many mammals (and especially those mammals to whom we are most closely related!). Whatever the reason may be, long before the concept of group therapy was even formulated, the natural truth existed already, that a group heals what cannot be fully healed alone. 

Some who embark on their healing journey may dread group therapy activities, and in all honesty we have good reason to do so, because the inverse of the above is also true: groups can also harm us in deeper ways than any individual could. All humans carry some degree of wounding related to the aspect of us that interfaces with groups. Those who have experienced bullying, scapegoating, marginalization and other forms of pain at the hands of groups often carry deep, unprocessed trauma about what happened to us in a group setting. 

It is for all these reasons that group therapy is one of the most potent medicines against that which makes us sick at heart. It is precisely because groups have special healing properties and because we have been wounded by groups, that joining a group with the specific intention to heal has magnified results for us. 

Group therapy activities are facilitated by a practitioner who is capable of holding the space for the higher healing of the group, as well as encouraging healing process within individuals in that group setting. In other words, the group as a whole is a “patient” receiving healing medicine, as is each person within the group. 

Group therapy activities are designed to give participants the chance to practice ways of relating which are better for the human heart, but which we may not have had the chance to learn yet. 

In group therapy activities, we learn to speak about our own true experiences, be deeply understood and accepted, and also hear the others. It is through the power of group therapy activities that we come to internalize a healthier sense of our “just right” size, as one among many, entitled to belonging on a platform of total equality. When the core wound around whether or not we belong is finally healed, then we have no problem extending that basic, just-because-you’re-human belonging to another, without conditions and requirements. 

While talk-based group therapy activities are highly effective, alternative forms of group therapy activities are magically potent as well. Expressive arts therapy, gardening, and yoga all work beautifully in the group setting. Whatever ails you, there’s a group for it; there are groups dedicated to healing relationship struggles, groups for those of us who hear voices, groups for those going through specific life stages, and of course, those with addiction. 

Regardless of a group’s specific dedicated focus, a good group is one in which the balance is held so that all may be authentic, and yet all are also guided to follow basic behavioral expectations that ensure and protect the belonging and safety of all in the group. The individual must never overpower the group, but also the group must not cause harm to an individual. When we can all reasonably belong, as we are, while we go about the business of healing, it is a good group.

In group therapy we can heal the most basic wound of all, which is the question many of us hold in our hearts: if I were to be honest about how I really feel, if I were to show who I really am on the inside, would I still be accepted, liked and loved? Or would I be rejected, disowned, marginalized, pushed away, shamed, and cut off from the supply of group love and belonging, if I did not perform the appearance of agreeing and belonging, of not having my own thoughts and opinions? 

If this sounds like THE question of human existence, you’re not wrong. Because every single person on planet earth struggles with this piece to some degree or another at this time, I believe that it inside groups that our greatest healing will happen. Thanks for reading! 

Ashley Amundson has worn many different hats at Villa Kali Ma, working her way from her starting position as a Resident Advisor (RA) in 2017 to RA Manager in 2018 and then to Program Manager in 2019. She was promoted again to her current position as Program Director in early 2020. Ashley has grown right alongside the company, having joined Villa Kali Ma’s team shortly after the program grew from a Transitional Living Program to a licensed Residential Treatment Center. Ashley leads with enthusiasm and a fun-loving lightheartedness that keeps the staff smiling even when there are heavy situations to manage.

In addition to running the day-to-day operations and overseeing a team of clinical therapists, holistic practitioners and staff, Ashley is the first point of contact for all new clients considering treatment with Villa Kali Ma. Acting in the additional role of Admissions Director, Ashley is able to empathize with women who are seeking help and offer a truly compassionate ear for those who are about to walk the path that she herself has walked. We are truly blessed to have her as the first person that potential clients interact with when they consider our program for themselves or their loved one.

Keep reading to learn more about Ashley’s story and why we are so happy to have her here at Villa Kali Ma!

Can you tell me about your role at VKM?

Ashley: So my role here at Villa Kali Ma is that I’m the program director.

What that means is that I am in charge of the operations and the day-to-day business, but I’m also the very first person that the clients speak to over the phone. So I set up the intake, and I get the inside scoop of the story of their lives. Establishing that initial connection is so very important because it’s very lonely on that side of the phone—a lot of people who reach out to me are feeling disconnected and isolated.

As their very first initial contact, I get to build that connection and that rapport beforehand and guide them to see if Villa Kali Ma will be a great fit for them. A big part of that role is answering all their questions. Because I have been in their position before, I’m able to do so efficiently, with authenticity and genuineness.

I find that, of all the jobs that I have had here, that one is the most special.

Do you have much interaction with the women once they arrive?

Ashley: I’m on-site more than I’m not. I’m a part of the day-to-day operation and usually the one that clients will go to if they have some concerns or questions. My role is to help ease their anxieties.

I also teach breathwork here. Breathwork is a powerful trauma-informed modality that we use as a part of our holistic program. I have the opportunity to bring that gift and share it with the clients.

Having a dual role—by participating in the healing modalities and the program operation—gives me a lot of insight into their trauma. Because I have that background information, it lets me know where to work and how to feel their energy out a little bit more. So that’s really powerful.

A part of my role is also directing what kind of nature hikes they do or walks and other aspects of treatment. As I do the scheduling, I listen to how they’re feeling and what they’re needing. I ensure that their treatment is very mind, body, spirit and tailored to their needs.

How long have you been in the treatment field? When did you begin at VKM?

Ashley: My background is in customer service, but I’ve always known I wanted to work with women. I went to school and got my undergraduate degree in women’s studies, but I got very stuck. I didn’t know what to do with this degree. It took a lot of my own processing and internal work to get where I am as I navigated and plotted this course that led me to Villa Kali Ma.

My experience in the treatment field dates back to the beginning of 2017, about four years ago. That was when I started here at Villa Kali Ma as a resident advisor. I was one-to-one with clients all day long, 40 hours a week.

I worked my way up through every single role. I became a case manager and then the staff manager, then the program manager. Now my role is as program director. I’ve done every single part of this business, even the marketing and the client care sides.

While working here, I also got my master’s, and I’ll soon graduate from my doctorate program. It’s all flown together, and Villa Kali Ma has made it so that I can do this journey with them, and they have been very supportive of me throughout this journey.

What is it about VKM that you’re proud of? Anything that makes VKM stand out from other treatment centers?

Ashley: There are many things about Villa Kali Ma that stand out. For one, the CEO built this company because she was unable to find a program like this. Here, we work with women only as a gender-specific program. In this environment, with an all-women staff, our clients can feel safe to explore their experience of trauma. It’s so imperative that women have a place to go to feel safe and open up about these issues. So I think that having an intentionally small facility that only takes six women at a time is such a fertile environment to address these issues.

We take it one step further and offer treatment in a genuinely holistic way. We still have the clinical aspects covered—we offer EMDR and psychotherapy and CBT and DBT. On top of that, our program is infused with a unique holistic component, which extends all the way to our plant-based diet.

So our program here is truly encompassing of all elements of holistic change. To have a women-only treatment center focused on just six clients at a time that incorporates a plant-based diet has not been done, especially with an all-women staff. And I think that factor has been incredibly impactful for the women who have received treatment here too.

How have you seen holistic practices complement the healing that takes place at VKM?

Ashley: The mind, body and spirit approach to treatment has been left out of traditional programs throughout the history of addiction treatment. To reintegrate that component and speak to the needs of the whole person is imperative for healing. What we offer here is healing.

I think Villa Kali Ma does such a great job with treating each person as a whole and bringing attention to each of their needs—mind, body, and spirit.

How have you seen VKM change over the years?

Ashley: Yes, it has changed so much. I’m so proud to say how far it has come. Opening a center like this that’s only open to half the demographic with a very niche focus is such a scary venture—those of us who were around at the very beginning held this place up by our bootstraps. We put our hearts and souls and passion into it, and it was like a seedling taking root before our eyes. Like many other things, it is tough to build a business but to see how far and how much healing this place has done is remarkable.

To give you an example, our alumni program didn’t exist at first, because we only work with six women at a time. But over the last four years, we have grown our alumni network with women that have graduated from the program.
Each alumnus has their own experience and stories to share with those currently in the program or others who have graduated. From our main group, they have branched off and created their own subgroups. They have clubs and hiking groups, and they also have a codependency group and many more, just from the alumni of Villa Kali Ma.

Was there a single, defining moment that drew you to the treatment of mental health?

Ashley: I think it was a collection of defining moments. The interesting thing is that I didn’t even get a response from Villa Kali Ma when I first had applied because they were so new that they hadn’t even set up their hiring process yet.

I had to basically bang down the door and get myself that interview because I was so drawn to Kay’s story and what they treat and what their mission statement was. I found it all so unique, and I’d never heard of a place like this that I felt like I had to work there.

Interestingly, many of the staff members who have come here and been a part of the Villa Kali Ma journey have very similar experiences of this sense of being drawn here as if this is part of their path. Each woman on our team is so unique, and we each have all these different gifts that collectively come together and make this program work.
I truly believe that there is a reason that we’re all drawn here. But to work in the treatment center in the field itself, I think that decision was based on my own internal recovery path that allowed me to see that I wanted to work with women, and I wanted to do it in the recovery setting.

Who or what has influenced you the most when it comes to how you approach your work?

Ashley: At first, coming here and working with these very powerful healing women was very intimidating for me, having just started out. The law attraction helped me tap into a new mindset.

Instead of running away, I decided to lean in and tap into my own abilities and my own empowerment. I found power in walking the walk and talking with talk and eventually learning that when you go through the fire and go through the fear, you come out the other side stronger.

It was very intimidating to be around these women who have long, extensive work histories in the field. Some have 20 years of therapy under their belt, some are Reiki practitioners, some are yoga practitioners, and they have this essence about them that takes over a room. To be in that room at first, it’s so scary, but I’m glad that instead of running from it, I was able to embrace it and say, these are the people that I want to surround myself with. These are the women I want to work with.

The string that connects all the women here is that we genuinely love our jobs. We love being here. We love being in this healing process, being a part of our client’s journey and even the connection afterward, seeing them in the alumni groups and seeing how that’s flourished.

All of our staff here at Villa Kali Ma absolutely love what we do—it gives us purpose in life. And we feel that we have helped women find their own purpose and their own empowerment to lead them to whatever makes them excited to get up in the morning.

How have you found this last year to be for your clients?

Ashley: COVID-19 has created this sense of isolation and disconnection for many people. Of course, some people were already suffering silently prior to this, and the pandemic was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Women are feeling further and further disconnected from their families, from their loved ones, and most importantly, from themselves. They can no longer keep up the drinking, the drugging and their souls are hurting.

While we are an addiction primary facility, healing those underlying concerns—the depression, the anxiety, the isolation, and disconnection from life—that’s what we’re trying to do.

Rightfully so, there are many procedures and safety precautions that we have to take, but this creates further disconnection and isolation. Our role in combatting this is 1) ensuring that our staff is safe—we’re all vaccinated—and 2) ensuring that community and connection remain a primary goal.

As a society, what we’re seeing is that alcohol sales are up. People are using more drugs. There’s a lot of fear around financial stability and the future and the like. As a program, we make it our mission to tend to all these anxieties and help women find something solid to hold onto when it feels like the world is a scary place.

What part of your career are you especially proud of that brings you the most joy when you look back at it?

Ashley: This whole journey has empowered me so much that looking back on it does bring me joy, just the journey itself. I was so inspired by Kay White’s story and followed in her footsteps for some of the soul-searching adventures. In the beginning, I took a leave of absence, went to Bali, and I did a lot of soul-searching spiritual work while I was there. It was scary to leave a job to take a leap like that, but I felt like the universe had my back in the sense that everything would work out. And I went, and I took a leap, and when I came back, I was welcomed with open arms. I think I was a better person for it and a better employee for it.

Looking back at the leaps I’ve made in my self-development because Villa Kali Ma empowered me to do so gives me a lot of joy. Similarly, seeing the different women who have come in and out of here and hearing their stories has been an enormous encouragement to me. I am blessed to be so involved that I hear all the updates and their leaps and bounds. Hearing from them keeps my joy, little sparks throughout my entire week here.

Here, I have also learned more about the holistic side of life that complemented the clinical training that I went to school for. I’m always learning and moving forward here, and that’s a really special feeling.

What advice would you give to a younger version of yourself?

Ashley: If I could speak to a younger version of myself, I would say, “Lean in. Lean all the way in. The universe has your back. You are limitless, you can do whatever it is that your heart brings you to want to do. There are no obstacles, you are your only obstacle.”

I felt like, for a very long time, I was my own obstacle. My self-doubt was always tethering me back, but I knew internally that I had all the gifts, all the things locked up inside of me, but I was just too scared to see my own power. Marianne Williamson talks about “the fear of success.” That there’s not just the fear of failure, it really is a fear of success. Leaning into your own power can be terrifying, but once you can unlock that and embrace it and embrace who you are, then nothing else matters. You’re out of your own way.