Category: Love

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Love

How to Heal From a Toxic Relationship

A toxic relationship can cause pain and self-doubt that follows you years into the future, even after breaking off a relationship and moving forward with your life. The end of a relationship is never easy, as it often surfaces a wide range of painful emotions.

In this post, we’re taking a closer look at the common signs of a toxic relationship as well as how to heal from a toxic relationship.

How to Heal From a Toxic Relationship

Women tend to find comfort in being able to relate to one another. While sharing war stories about giving birth tends to take first place in relatable stories that we tell, our experiences with being in a toxic relationship run a close second. A quick internet search of “toxic relationships” will bring up an unending list of horror stories and tips for getting out of them.

For various reasons, scores of women have gone a round or two with an abusive relationship. Some of us even go back into the ring for more of the same. Our chances of finally breaking free from the trap of toxic relationships are improved once we know what to look for and how to heal properly.

Here’s how to heal from a toxic relationship.

Signs of a Toxic Relationship

Toxic relationships tend to have common characteristics. For whatever reason, these signs tend to be much more noticeable in relationships other than our own. If you are already free from your toxic relationship, you can use this list of signs as confirmation that you did the right thing by leaving. If you are still in a toxic relationship, take these signs as an encouragement to get out.

  • Lies: This is often one of the first signs that we are in a toxic relationship. A partner who lies is messing with our fundamental reality. Beyond causing us confusion, our desire to continue to believe in this person damages our ability to trust our intuition. When the lying partner is particularly crafty, gaslighting techniques can make us feel like we are losing our minds.
  • Negative feelings: This seems like it would be an easy red flag to spot, but those of us who have been in toxic relationships know all too well how easy it is to brush off our negative feelings. In cases where the partner is gaslighting, it is particularly tempting to attribute any discontent to our failures as a person. Any negative emotions that we are experiencing will only be worse while we are trying to blame ourselves for having them in the first place.
  • Isolation: Toxic people like to have their victims all to themselves. When we are isolated from the support of people who genuinely care about our wellbeing, it is harder to recognize that we are being treated poorly. We are more likely to put up with toxic behavior for a more extended period when we do not have our loved ones pointing out the poison.
  • Uncertainty: A hallmark of an unhealthy relationship does not ever know what to expect. From the time we are tiny babies, we are dependent on learning that we will consistently be fed, kept warm, and attended to. This need for security exists even into our adulthood. A relationship where this type of protection is absent can result in chronic feelings of anxiety. A partner who does not seek to foster a sense of security is toxic.

Realize That It Is Not Your Fault

One of the most relieving things that one can realize when it comes to surviving a toxic relationship is that it is not our fault. Sure, we have responsibility for our actions, but our choices and decisions that are made along the way have roots in more profound issues. Specific life experiences and personality bends can make us a prime target for attracting the wrong kind of partner and can cause us to stick around for much longer than someone else would.

The conditions for being in a toxic relationship tend to be set long before we find ourselves within one. While clearing out the list of factors that can make us vulnerable to engaging in a toxic relationship may take a lifetime of individual therapy, the first step is to become aware of them. Those who attract unhealthy relationships are prone to having low regard for their own needs and tend to have trouble setting boundaries with others. We also commonly have some history of abuse or neglect embedded in our childhoods.

The Ongoing Process of Healing

Knowing that we are vulnerable during the aftermath of escaping a toxic relationship lends itself to a good idea of avoiding jumping into another one. We are best served by using the time following the end of the relationship as a space to clear our heads, right our minds, and begin to rebuild a life that the whims of a toxic person cannot tear down.

Get to Know You

Before getting involved in another relationship, it is best to spend some time getting to know yourself. As already mentioned, certain things about us can act as a welcome sign for attracting toxic people. One of those attractants is not knowing who we are and what we need.

The chances are good that you have spent a lot of energy getting to know your ex’s personality and needs. Use some of those psychological skills you have developed and apply them toward understanding yourself. If you would like some help in the process, try finding a compatible therapist to sort through any baggage.

Tend to Your Own Garden

Many women who have spent time in toxic relationships suffer from the tendency to give too much of themselves to other people. Our predisposition toward loving others often traps us in the vicious cycle of abuse, to begin with. Our kindness, concern, and willingness to forgive can be used against us in an abusive relationship. It is a myth to think that others are any more deserving of our care and attention than we are worthy of it, ourselves.

The better that we tend to our own emotional and mental health needs, the more energy we must expand to care for others. You are not doing anyone a favor by presenting a burned-out, frazzled version of yourself to the world. Spend time learning to care for your own needs, using your own set of skills, before deciding to share yourself in another relationship.

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Love

To Date or Not to Date While in Early Recovery

What Has Love Got to Do With It?

It is usual for many people in the early stages of recovery to desire a romantic relationship. It may feel lonely and isolating, as previous relationships you have had may no longer be intact, both romantic and otherwise. Understandably, there is a longing to connect with others during this new phase and rebuild your life, which, for many, includes a romantic partner.

However, most experts and researchers say that those in recovery should wait at least a year before entering into a new relationship. This can seem like a very long time, especially for someone who is looking for connection and companionship and who in many ways has just lost the most significant relationship in their life (the addiction). That being said, it is essential to recognize the potential challenges of entering a new romantic relationship. Consider the following before deciding to pursue a relationship during the first year of recovery.

Early Recovery Is a Time to Rediscover Yourself

The first year of recovery is a time of profound self-discovery and healing. This is the time to create new healthy practices and become settled into a daily routine that establishes habits that help you to thrive while living sober. This is the time when you are rediscovering how to live —mind, body, and spirit— free from the clutches of addiction.

During early recovery, your focus is your sobriety, which takes significant energy and time. It would not be comfortable and distracting to maintain a relationship simultaneously. Balancing the multiple priorities of sober-living and tending to the relational needs could feel like a juggling act.

This is a time to get to know yourself, your true self, without the effects of substances. Developing your identity and loving yourself for who you are is crucial during early recovery and an essential personal journey to explore before bringing a partner into your life.

Recovery Is a Time for Healing

Recovery is an incredibly emotional journey, and it is essential to learn to manage these emotions and develop healthy coping skills at the beginning stages of sobriety. Entering a relationship is added stress that may hinder your full focus on maintaining sober-living and continuing the recovery process.

While it may feel good to find someone to invest your time and energy into, it is essential to notice this temptation for what it is: a distraction. Even if you find someone who may be further along in their recovery, and even if they operate as a source of support in your life, the energy and focus you invest in the relationship takes away from the actual task at hand: healing.

It’s essential also to acknowledge the reality that for many women who have fallen into addiction to alcohol or other drugs, many come from a background of chronic childhood abuse, and nearly 80 percent have a history of sexual assault, physical assault, or both. Healing this type of trauma requires time and a singular focus on your feelings of empowerment and reprocessing these experiences in healthy ways.

Relationship Woes

Even the strongest relationships encounter challenging and difficult moments. When this occurs, self-soothing is vital. However, if someone is in the early stages of recovery, it may be tempting to utilize substances to cope and comfort when emotions run high.

It takes a lot of time and practice to rely on healthy techniques and skills learned during treatment to manage discomfort. It may be more difficult to utilize these skills during the early stages of recovery. There has not been much time to practice them, and the compulsion to use substances to alleviate any relationship hardship may still be present.

Replacing Substances With Love

It is also common for some people to turn to relationships as a replacement addiction. Neurologically, the chemicals released during a new and exciting relationship mirror the chemicals released when using substances. Suppose someone in recovery loses focus of healing from the underlying issues that led to substance use in the first place.

In that case, the new relationship may be a replacement for their previous substance use. It can be difficult to challenge the limiting beliefs contributing to maladaptive patterns if someone is distracted from a new relationship’s exhilaration.

Focusing on Your Sobriety While Choosing Not to Date

It can be challenging to refrain from dating during early recovery – here are some tips to help you stay focused on your sobriety if you choose to wait to enter a relationship until later stages of recovery.

    • Develop a support network of friends, family, and colleagues that you can count on to provide encouragement and companionship.
    • Engage in healthy activities to occupy your time. Work on your personal goals and spend time enjoying your favorite leisure activities!
    • Find a sober accountability partner who is also committed to refraining from dating. You can plan weekly activities together to have fun while also helping each other stay focused.

Your health and recovery are a priority – ensure you are caring for yourself in the best way you can! At Villa Kali Ma, we know the importance of relationships in your life, romantic and otherwise. Within our program, we invite you to explore the intertwining impacts that love and relationships have on your desire to self-medicate. Give us a call to learn more!

Categories
Love

How Does Attachment Style Affect Your Relationships?

Has it ever felt like you keep running into the same patterns in each relationship you’re in? Where it always seems to be going really great at the beginning, and then something shifts and you can’t believe you were ever with that person? And no matter how hard you try to break the pattern, you never seem to see the red flags?

It’s likely that your early childhood experiences in forming relationships have greatly impacted you and actually have a whole lot to do with the relationships you pursue in your adult life. Actually, this is true for everyone. We call this early learning about how to be in relationship with others our attachment style.

What “Attachment Style” Means and Why It Matters

A piece of wisdom that has always stuck with me about these patterns that exist in relationships is that ‘when you meet someone and it feels like you’ve known them your whole life, you probably have’. This reminds me of how often we seek partners for ourselves that resemble figures from our past, be it a parent or otherwise.

In our early years, our focus was survival -we learned to trust or not to trust based on the attunement of our caregivers. When finding ourselves in an unpredictable environment, we pick up tools and skills for what we could do to help keep safe and still get our needs met. This particular type of survival-based learning becomes encoded in us. As adults, this could play out in a variety of relationships from our lovers to our children.

Author Peter Hobson stated, “…one’s experiences of relations with others becomes a feature of one’s relations with oneself”. This quote is a powerful message to me about how we are affected by those around us, especially the people that we once relied on to meet our very basic needs. Building insight into our own attachment styles can help change the course in how we see ourselves and how we participate in relationships, both with ourselves and with others.

Okay, But What Exactly Is Attachment?

Attachment plain and simple is referring to how we go about meeting our needs based on early childhood experiences. Through these experiences, a certain style will start to emerge based on how we are able to meet those needs. This either represents a secure attachment, or typically falls into one of the three insecure categories: Avoidant, Anxious, or Disorganized.

For example, when our caregiver is attuned to us, then we are able to have a secure base from which to explore the world around us. With this style, we have confidence that the caregiver will respond to our expressed needs. If that is not the case, whereas a caregiver is inconsistent or unaware of our needs, then we, in turn, must develop different ways of coping.

Here are examples of behaviors you might notice in the four attachment styles mentioned above:

Secure Attachment

Needs were provided on a consistent basis by the caregiver and we are able to seek comfort when needed.

    • Trust that our needs will be met.
    • Able to make connections with others and self.
    • Can express desires and enforce boundaries.
    • Know that we are lovable and can give love in return.

Insecure/Avoidant Attachment

Needs were unattainable from the caregiver, so we coped by caring for our own needs or by suppressing them.

    • Uneasy with close contact.
    • Do not look for comfort in others and can be extremely independent.
    • Often have trouble expressing true feelings to others and ourselves.
    • Difficulties with committing or asking for help in relationships.

Insecure/Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment

Caregiver was inconsistent in providing for needs, so we coped by clinging to the caregiver to receive needs when available.

    • Is hypervigilant to concerns in the relationship.
    • Strategizes or lashes out in order to meet needs.
    • Struggles to know the boundary between our own feelings and the feelings of others.
    • Fearful of being dismissed or abandoned.

Insecure/Disorganized Attachment

Caregiver is both feared and reassuring to us, creating a sense of confusion and never knowing what to expect.

    • Afraid of being too close and too distant from others.
    • Often overwhelmed by the intensity of their emotions.
    • Dealing with unresolved trauma or grief from early childhood.
    • Both fearful of being abandoned, and trapped when they’re too close.

What Does My Attachment Style Mean for Me Now?

Those unmet needs from childhood set the stage for the rest of your life. Even as you grow older, your attachment style will play out in the majority of your relationships. This is especially true both in how you ask for what you need, and how you respond to others’ needs.  As adults, it makes sense that we crave connection and need a safe place to address our needs. You might notice this come up in certain arguments or cycles that repeat in your relationships.

Romantic Relationships

Depending on your attachment style, people with insecure attachments are likely to experience more discord in their relationships. It is not uncommon for someone who is anxiously attached to pursue a relationship with someone who has an avoidant attachment style. Without intervention, this couple will feel a constant push and pull, each trying to get their needs met. This can lead to manipulation, rash decisions, and difficulties in understanding one another.

The anxious partner, out of their fear of rejection, may become overly-clingy and out of their “neediness,” do the very thing that pushes that person away. The avoidant partner may try to deny their own needs for love and affection, whereas someone who has a disorganized attachment style will likely be sending off conflicting messages of their own about intimacy and distance. However, a securely attached couple is more likely to approach situations with care and trust and can better attune to their partner’s needs.

Parenting

Your own attachment style can also affect how you feel or act toward your child. In fact, this is the primary way that attachment style is “passed down” generationally. It’s likely that your attachment style will closely resemble that of your parents.

What often happens is that a parent with an anxious attachment may look to their child to meet their own needs instead of meeting their child’s needs. This person may feel like their child is the only person who has loved them truly.  In return, the emotionally drained child may feel clingy, desperate, or anxious. This can create problems when a child is misbehaving and the parent interprets it as a personal attack.

The avoidant parent may provide for the physical needs, but then could have difficulties meeting or recognizing the emotional needs of the child. Following their lead, this may result in the child dismissing their own needs, or they might feel like they need to have an emotional outburst for their parent to recognize their needs.

Parents with a disorganized attachment style of their own will likely create a similar environment for their child, acting erratically and unpredictably. As they likely experienced in their own history of growing up in a disorganized household, we can understand that here is where the seeds of intergenerational trauma are planted.

On the other hand, parents who have a secure attachment create a loving environment for the child to be able to safely express their needs. These parents are able to recognize the child’s emotional and physical needs and can respond appropriately. This is the goal for parents to strive towards, as Dan Siegel puts it, to help them feel safe, soothed, seen, and secure.

Addiction

Unsurprisingly, insecure attachment also often leads to a problematic relationship with addiction. In one particular study, those who were participating in an addiction treatment program were shown to have, on average, less secure attachment to primary relationships and instead expressed greater fears of intimacy, more emotional reactivity, and less differentiation of self.

We know from attachment theory that this is a function of our attempts to self-medicate and compensate for our lack of helpful attachment strategies. Some other figures to pay attention to:

    • Those with an insecure attachment in their romantic relationships tend to abuse substances more than those with a secure attachment.
    • Exhibiting an anxious attachment style is associated with increased and stress-motivated substance abuse.
    • Some studies link the drug of choice to attachment style. While those whose drug of choice is heroin were mainly found to have a fearful-avoidant (disorganized) type attachment style, cannabis abusers tended to be the avoidant type, and those who used alcohol demonstrated higher tendencies both in the avoidant and anxious-preoccupied attachment styles.

Where Do I Go From Here?

There is still hope! We are not chained to the attachment styles developed in childhood and can learn to become ‘earned secure’. This security is developed in the context of a relationship where we can practice different ways of expressing and meeting needs. 

In therapy with trauma-informed and attachment-oriented clinicians, we are able to explore our attachment histories by sharing our needs and experiencing nurturing and attunement in a safe environment. A trusted friend or partner can also provide the training ground to try out these new ways of relating. 

Professor and researcher Jude Cassidy describes what is needed to build a secure attachment: The ability to seek and give care, feel comfortable with your own self, and the ability to negotiate. Not all of us were taught how to enact these skills in relationships. However, we are able to learn and build these skills at any age.

Learning about your attachment style can give you context for your behavior and how it came to be. The more awareness you possess of your ways of connecting (or not connecting) with others, the better equipped you are to make changes. In this, you can build truth, security, and authenticity in your relationship with others and with yourself.

 

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General Love

The Voice of Love

In my first year of 12 Step, I couldn’t get through one single day without calling multiple people in program for support. Grappling with the task of being a normal(ish) person on the outside, while feeling deeply unfit for life on the inside, required so much of me that I could barely breathe. Sometimes it was right in the morning, sometimes later on in the day, but at some point I would hit such a wall of pain, such a sideswipe, such an inability to move forward, that I would need to call someone and give voice to what was happening to me.

What was happening to me ranged from long bouts of intense crying, to paralyzing, nameless grief, to explosive fits of rage, to vicious panic attacks, to the longing to die, to urges to return to addictive behavior.

The person on the other end of the line mostly listened. Sometimes he or she offered soothing, nonjudgmental affirmations, like “That’s all right, sweetie”. Occasionally she helped me correct my thinking, by temporarily lending me hers, interrupting the momentum of my vortex of psychological agony to say something like, “That thing you can’t forgive yourself for – all of us have been there before. It’s human. It’s not your fault. It doesn’t define you. You are lovable and good.”

People in program gave me my first taste of unconditional love, spiritual perspective and hope of transformation: “This is a normal part of early recovery. It will get better. You will come out the other side. I can’t wait to see who you become.”

Program people had the ability to deeply understand, from their own personal experience, what I was thinking and feeling. Owing to the priceless wisdom that usually only arises from time spent personally suffering, they had the rare ability to let me be exactly where I was in my process, without any need to hurry me along.

At the same time, they were able to hold a higher perspective, the perspective of my potential. They could look at the wretched caterpillar version of me and calmly see the likelihood that I would become a butterfly (as long as I stuck with the process, which they also encouraged me to do). They were not afraid, like I was, that the caterpillar stage would last forever and that was all I’d ever be. They understood metamorphosis – that the process of spiritual transformation, if sincerely sought, is real, inevitable, natural; something we can trust in.

The combination of compassionate witnessing, allowing me to be exactly how I was, while at the same time believing in how I would be, guided me along, slowly but surely, to relief, recovery, and a life of magnitude and meaning far beyond what I could have imagined at that time in my life. My spirituality, my authenticity, my ability to be a good friend, my instincts for healing, my capacity to love deeply and yet hang onto my sense of self, even my calling in life, are all gifts which ripened in the warm “sunlight of the spirit” that circulates throughout the network of recovering people.

After a good long while of being lovingly heard, accepted, cheered on and validated by this group of truly unconditional others, I discovered I could also be the carrier of healing, loving thoughts. Program is a complete lifecycle, with the elders caring for the new ones, and the new ones relying on the experiences of elders. What activated me in my capacity as healer and channel for the voice of love were the desperate, raw needs of the newly recovering. Even though I was just hardly stable myself, when newcomers reached out to me with their enervating pains, with their oceanic needs, I found to my surprise that a healing, loving force spoke through me to them, with the same types of words that had been spoken to me: “It’s human to suffer, it’s not your fault, it doesn’t define you. You are lovable and good”.

With the spirit of kindness moving in me, I felt such tenderness, such a desire to relieve these new ones of their burdens, such a longing to soothe, comfort, and protect them. In fact with that love speaking through me, I said the things out loud that I had always longed to believe. The wounded parts of me heard the authority of the love in me, and began to feel safe for the first time in my life.

The voice of love is shared around the group, and does not belong to anyone in particular. No single person is the keeper of recovery or insanity – we take turns in the needy wounded role, and we also take turns speaking in the voice of love. Inspired by the aches of others, we channel a loving spirit whose words come to our lips when we see suffering.

The power of the recovery community entrained me to a vibration which I can still feel into, to this day. This vibration spirals upwards and outwards, towards more and more life. It reaches for more and more love, joy, and connection, for acceptance, for more claiming of all of us, more allowing of it all, more valuing of all people.

I will always be indebted to my disorders for leading me to get into recovery, where I discovered how love flows in a group consciousness that is tuned to the right station, and how I can be a channel for love too. I learned the value of our wounds: wounds are holes in our ego fortresses, places we can see through to each other. When we peek through those holes, when we see the real, magnificent, injured Self of the other in front of us, crying out for love, then we become the voice of love that that hurt Self needs.

May the voice of love visit you today. Thanks for reading!

Are you or a loved one looking into recovery? Click here to visit our site for more information. 

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